By Nancy Virden (c)2026

If you have ever been to a hospital because of suicidal or homicidal ideation, you may be familiar with the stark, 6′ by 6′ private rooms, perhaps rubber walls, and serious guards. You are allowed zero personal belongings with you in there, must wear a hospital gown, and the furniture consists of a bed with a thin cotton blanket. Period. There are no amenities; the bathroom is down the hall. It’s a lockdown, so you cannot cause harm to yourself or anyone else.

The guards in my local hospital are often police officers, especially if one of the patients was brought in by them. Bigger-built paramedics also sit on the other side of the only window and door leading out from the “pod” area of about 10 such rooms. I witnessed a skirmish between a large man and the police. He refused to wear the gown and fought them.

Doctors and nurses come and go. Without a cell phone, book, or any other entertainment, the most productive thing one can do is sleep, and so I did. Anxiety had me jumping at loud noises, but physical safety was never actually in question.

You see, some strong thoughts of self-harm had been coming of late in reaction to feeling hopeless for change. You see, a few weeks ago, I had a rare and stimulating experience. After more than 15 years of struggling with the highs and lows of bipolar disorder and anxiety, suddenly I had three days in a row when I truly felt like myself. I’d forgotten the woman who was funny and friendly, and this time, without fear. I was completely content for three days. It is that last part that I’ve not experienced before or only intermittently. These three special days were devoid of symptoms of hypomania or depression; my rested spirit was at peace.

Relief during those 72 hours was palpable. Then it didn’t last. Disappointment led to a sorrowful affair. Emotional exhaustion set in as I realized there was no hope of permanent change. No, I was soon back to riding out the cycle and was feeling done with it.

We all want to be happy, and when that is a constant battle, it grows old. Suicidal thoughts grew out of this “doneness,” but never with a solid plan or intention. Aware that my thoughts were tainted with ideas of self-harm, I went to the ER to prevent a tragedy. This is suicidal ideation 101. Go to the nearest emergency room!

Suicide is most often impulsive. Very few people actually plan it and write notes. Even if one thinks it through, the date and time remain largely impulsive. With this in mind, remembering to go for help before the crisis takes over, saves our lives and prevents the emotional trauma that our suicide would cause others. Once we cross a line and no longer care about living, someone else will likely have to make us go. We may attempt to end our pain.

With bipolar, instructions are to go to the ER as soon as you feel your mood getting out of hand. So, I did. I do not want to be a suicide statistic, and I want my life and death to honor God. A promise to my sons to never attempt again was made so they wouldn’t worry. I had to honor that promise, too. Those motivations got me to the ER, and even though my thoughts grew darker at first, eventually they eased. Pausing worked! Intervention allowed my mind to rest and change direction. A visit from my pastor brought relief, and now I am home with outpatient obligations.

The instructions work. Go to the ER as soon as you have suicidal or homicidal thoughts, and especially if those thoughts are darkening and mixed up with plans to make it happen.

What greater things hold you to life? Grasp them and do not let them go; they are your escape route when temptation comes.

-COMMENTS WELCOME

Today’s Helpful Word

1 Corinthians 10:13

The temptations in your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will not allow the temptation to be more than you can stand. When you are tempted, he will show you a way out so that you can endure.

If you are feeling suicidal or concerned about someone who is, in the U.S., call 988, the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. For a list of international suicide hotlines, go here.

If you are suicidal with a plan, immediately call 911 in the U.S. or go to your nearest emergency room; in the EU, call 112. (For other international emergency numbers, go here.) Hope and help are yours!

Always the Fight Ministries (ATFM) has been displaying compassion for those fighting mental illness, addiction, or abuse since 2012. Nancy is the founder and voice of ATFM and openly shares her emotional resurrection from despair. 

NOTE: Nancy is not a doctor or a mental health professional and speaks only from personal experience and observations. This website is not intended to substitute for professional mental or behavioral health care.

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