By Nancy Virden (c)2025

Oh, it took years and what felt like forever to leave the mindset I’d adopted from living with narcissists all my life. Following living with my narcissist dad, I was married for 32 years to another one. My identity was so messed up that I tried to end my life. Some of you get it.

For those of you who do not, try to remember some well-documented facts about narcissism:

1. Narcissists choose one target who will feed the narcissist’s ego and defend them tirelessly.
2. Narcissists are deeply insecure and terrified of being found out. They are not necessarily loud, braggart, or strong leaders. They can be difficult to spot unless someone gets to know them closely. Some narcissists are obnoxious, while others seem reserved. They put on a game face in public and are controlling and manipulative around their target. Victims can be anyone associated with the narcissist, but is usually only one person or the family.
3. Narcissists are incapable of seeing past their fragile landscape of lies and excuses. They believe in their entitlement and the victim’s dutiful loyalty. Narcissists rarely change because a person must be self-aware enough to recognize a need for help. Usually, they will agree to “get help” (like marriage counseling), hoping to see a return to the status quo.
4. If survivors of this type of relationship end the association, help is needed to rewire their brains back to a healthy identity, better coping decisions, and emotional support. There is excellent help available. I recommended therapy to a spouse who realized the narcissistic, unloving, manipulative, and abusive ways in her marriage after years of denial, fake hope, and publicly faking it. She, like me, thought being good Christian wives meant enabling our husbands in their sin and denying the truth. To recover, we need wise counsel.
5. It is important not to pathologize (assign a diagnosis of mental illness to) the victim who is learning how to escape. The separation is messy because if much time has passed, the victim has probably internalized the abuse and rejection, blame, and insults of the narcissist. Emotional inconsistencies in the survivor’s story may appear false. When the victim has been engaged in protecting the narcissist’s image (out of love or fear), she or he will perhaps look briefly like a drama show. Outsiders, who only know the good image of the narcissist, will take the side of the guilty party and assume the victim is lying. (5-part series, Emotional Abuse in the Christian Marriage)
6. God’s will is not for anyone to live for the approval of another human (which I did). It is not His will for one person to selfishly control another. God has created us with His unique plan in mind. Until we are free from worldly cages, we will miss out on His best for us. My husband chose divorce, as did my dad. Narcissists have to go their own way. It is the only hope for their repentance and growth. (Dad’s amazing miracle).
7. Never lose hope for the soul of the narcissist. Be free and pray for them from a distance if it is safe for you to do so.
8. The following video is the best presentation I have seen on understanding narcissistic disorder. It is about an hour long and worth it. As a side note, I do not believe Jordan Peterson wrote the title of this video because no one can change a narcissist. Let the pros handle them.

-COMMENTS WELCOME

Today’s Helpful Word

2 Corinthians 10

 For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ… But, “Let the one who boasts boast in the Lord.” For it is not the one who commends himself who is approved, but the one whom the Lord commends.

If you are interested in me telling my story in your church, office, school, or group, contact me at NancyVirden.hope@gmail.com. Write ATF in the subject line.

If you are feeling suicidal or concerned about someone who is, in the U.S., call 988, the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. For a list of international suicide hotlines, go here.

If you are suicidal with a plan, immediately call 911 in the U.S. or go to your nearest emergency room; in the EU, call 112. (For other international emergency numbers, go here.) Hope and help are yours!

Always the Fight Ministries (ATFM) has been displaying compassion for those fighting mental illness, addiction, or abuse since 2012. Nancy is the founder and voice of ATFM and openly shares her emotional resurrection from despair. 

NOTE: Nancy is not a doctor or a mental health professional and speaks only from personal experience and observations. This website is not intended to substitute for professional mental or behavioral health care.

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