By Nancy Virden (c)2025

Estrangement may not be your idea. However, if it is (and there are sometimes healthy reasons to make this decision), it is still not ideal. You wish it could be different.

I may never know why my brother dropped me completely after our mother passed twenty-two years ago. The exception was our father’s funeral in 2015 at which time my brother said, “Hi Nancy” as he walked quickly past. The only reason he spoke to me then was because I was looking at him from 2 feet away and he felt obligated to say something. Why, I do not know. He had not had trouble ignoring my attempts at contact for 12 years at that point.

I was cut out of his children’s lives when they were young, uninvited to his daughter’s wedding, and uninformed when his son had a baby. The only way I am aware of a few things is because every year or so I look him up on the internet to see if he is still alive.

I miss the funny tennis champ from High School and wish we could have been friends. However, here are 4 ways I have learned to deal with it and avoid a pervasive sadness over this loss:

Recognize the normal. A therapist asked me, “How much of a role does your brother play in your life now?” The answer was, “None”. I realized I was still grieving the might have beens which never really were. Hanging on to wishes and rathers make us miserable. To let go of this pain we must recognize what is fact and accept it as-is.

Accept the changes in each of you. My brother is no longer the funny tennis star. For twenty years before he cut me off completely, he groused at me at our mother’s annual family reunions. He had nothing pleasant to say. Meanwhile, I had matured and was not trying to take anything from him any more; interested only in knowing and sharing life as siblings. I’ve had to realize that neither of us are who we were when we were children.

Notice extenuating circumstances. Is the one who has estranged himself from you hurt, triggered by your presence, alcoholic or under the influence? My brother grew up in the same family I did, and no doubt has had a lot to overcome. We were not set up to succeed at family ties. When a loved one falls into the trap of addiction or substance use, he will not be himself. If you have cut ties because of someone’s toxicity, give yourself credit for drawing a boundary.

Forgive them for not being who you need. No one can meet unfair expectations, so if you have those, set them aside. However, if you are holding on to grudges or resenting them for ignoring (abandoning) you, forgive them for being flawed, weak, and probably unwell. Consider their circumstances, and agree that if the exact experiences and mindset were yours, you may be unhappy too.

Keep false guilt off yourself. To keep false guilt from overpowering reality, consider sending them a goodbye letter after much time has passed. My brother had not replied to any of my attempts to reach him for over ten years when I sent a final note telling him I love and miss him, but that I would not be reaching out anymore unless he replied. That was it for me. Guilt-free, I left the ball in his park.

Do not forget Who loves you. God loves those who follow his Son, Jesus. He will never leave your side or abandon you. Start that relationship now by confessing your sins and giving your life to Christ. Our promise as believers is that the next life will be worth all the suffering here.

-COMMENTS WELCOME

Today’s Helpful Word

Matthew 28:20

“… And be sure of this: I am with you always, even to the end of the age.” -Jesus

If you are feeling suicidal or concerned about someone who is, in the U.S., call 988, the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. For a list of international suicide hotlines, go here.

If you are suicidal with a plan, immediately call 911 in the U.S. or go to your nearest emergency room; in the EU, call 112. (For other international emergency numbers, go here.) Hope and help are yours!

Always the Fight Ministries (ATFM) has been displaying compassion for those fighting mental illness, addiction, or abuse since 2012. Nancy is the founder and voice of ATFM and openly shares her emotional resurrection from despair. 

NOTE: Nancy is not a doctor or a mental health professional and speaks only from personal experience and observations. This website is not intended to substitute for professional mental or behavioral health care.

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