By Nancy Virden (c)2025

Rarely eager to go into the house, as a child, I regularly dragged in after school. One winter day, as a pre-teen, I slumped in the snow behind a tree in my front yard. There would be screaming inside. Emotional energy had wafted away, with none left for taking another step.

Perhaps an hour passed as I tried to build up the courage to walk through the door. Freezing to death momentarily seemed the better option. This is the first memory I have of suicidal thoughts. They were to come and go several more times over the years.

Finally trudging to the front of the house, my ears picked up the familiar sound of relentless fighting.   Begging my parents to stop was useless.   I dove into my room, which was almost a safer haven; my brother had already hidden inside his, the door shut.

Our earthly home and family relationships failed to develop into either comfort or a sense of safety.  Warm embraces and shows of affection were absent among all parties.

Active volcanoes of hypocrisy and emotional neglect can explode with deep unmet needs and unhealthy ways of coping. It was a few more years after hiding by the tree before I turned to Christ, another eighteen years before reconciling with my mom, and an additional forty-two years before fully forgiving my dad.

Various factions of emotional and spiritual development lagged until finally, due to God’s re-parenting, both my head and heart now rest with certainty in God’s long-suffering love.

Some say one has to love herself before she can love others; I say one has to know that love is possible before moving into it at all. Having not observed it in my family of origin, and trapped in a loveless marriage for 32 years, it is easy to see how offers of friendship and love ran through a filter of doubt and wariness until I was in my 50s. It was the consistent acceptance of two people who observed my inner ugliness and weaknesses that turned a key in my brain. Acceptance of me was possible!

Once I saw the reality of this, I was open to receiving love from God. He met me where I was and solidified in my spirit and mind just how cherished I am.

Many children and adults have been let down by people who were supposed to keep them safe, nurture, and accept them. This is why some people reject God; how can the love of an invisible being be real when love does not exist?

I urge all my readers to be willing to find a good therapist, be completely honest with them, and do the hard work of discovery. Pursue God through His Son, Jesus. God’s promises are all true, real, and for you to have. It is never too late.

-COMMENTS WELCOME

Today’s Helpful Word

Romans 8: 1, 38-39

So now, there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus … And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love.  No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord. [italics mine]

If you are feeling suicidal or concerned about someone who is, in the U.S., call 988, the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. For a list of international suicide hotlines, go here.

If you are suicidal with a plan, immediately call 911 in the U.S. or go to your nearest emergency room; in the EU, call 112. (For other international emergency numbers, go here.) Hope and help are yours!

Always the Fight Ministries (ATFM) has been displaying compassion for those fighting mental illness, addiction, or abuse since 2012. Nancy is the founder and voice of ATFM and openly shares her emotional resurrection from despair. 

NOTE: Nancy is not a doctor or a mental health professional and speaks only from personal experience and observations. This website is not intended to substitute for professional mental or behavioral health care.

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