By Nancy Virden (c)2025

Boundaries are what we decide to do or not do. We cannot control another person. If Jane Doe asks to come over, and I say no, she could show up at my door anyway. While I cannot stop her from standing there or being upset, my freedom is to prevent her lack of boundaries to change mine.  

By meeting with her because of her insistence, something else has to go undone. Assuming my initial no was based on priorities, resentment may rise in me at the change of plans. What if I meet with her each time she stops by? Soon, I will be forced to choose resentment and kowtow to her wishes, or my  ‘no’ will have to be permanent. In the latter case, Jane likely will not understand the rejection. Her feelings will be hurt over imagined broken promises, her expectations, and the pain of recovery from what she may believe is betrayal. Nonetheless, this is all in her victim mindset as she denies personal responsibility to honor my first no.

There is room for flexibility here. Based on the circumstances, one may choose to speak to Jane anyway. Nonetheless, this blog is about having boundaries and saying no when you mean it.

Boundaries are honest. Not one enjoys playing doormat, crushed by another person’s whims and commands. Yet, we create our doormat status through dishonesty. Clarity about boundaries keeps people in the light. They know what to expect from us. This preserves dignity for an emotionally needy person because he or she knows to ask only what is possible. It keeps us safe from pretending and ultimately saves our strength to help.

It is kindness to draw boundaries.  Helping too much prevents people from learning how to cope. A call-me-whenever-you-need-me approach almost discourages them from finding support elsewhere. Without coping or support-finding skills, they are truly alone if we cannot meet their need or burnout drives us away. Through observation, people in need often learn from the healthy boundaries others draw. They may find boundaries attractive and begin drawing healthy ones.

Boundaries are invaluable. Friends and family, or any supports, can burn out. A lack of knowledge and understanding can cause one to feel impatient with another’s slow progress. When someone is very needy, boundaries matter the most. They preserve the relationship, keep each other safe, and allow perimeters in which to act.

By telling Jane you will not be visiting with her and perhaps setting an appointment for later, you will be more helpful to her in the long run. She will find other supports, hopefully healthy ones, who will speak into her life. You are not bullied into ruining your priorities, and you will not fall into the trap of living for her.

-COMMENTS WELCOME

Today’s Helpful Word

Colossians 2:7

Let your roots grow down into him, and let your lives be built on him. Then your faith will grow strong in the truth you were taught, and you will overflow with thankfulness.

If you are feeling suicidal, or concerned about someone who is, in the U.S. call 988, the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. For a list of international suicide hotlines, go here.

If you are suicidal with a plan, immediately call 911 in the U.S. or go to your nearest emergency room. In the EU call 112. (For other international emergency numbers, go here ). Hope and help are yours!

Always the Fight Ministries (ATFM) has been displaying compassion for those fighting mental illness, addiction, or abuse since 2012. Nancy is the founder and voice of ATFM and openly shares her emotional resurrection from despair. 

NOTE: Nancy is not a doctor or a mental health professional, and speaks only from personal experience and observations. This website is not intended to substitute for professional mental or behavioral health care.

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