By Nancy Virden (c)2025

For years an incident involving an old boss and his wife rankled me. I chose to forgive, practiced forgiving, and prayed to forgive. The hard feelings and incredulity at their deceit stayed in my mind and heart only to rise in bitterness at the mere thought.

I was dunking my feelings under emotional whitewash. It was not helpful. This served only to push those emotions down and stuff them until they popped up relentlessly. I scoured the old story for signs of where I went wrong, even apologizing for my harsh words. These efforts did nothing to lessen my opinion, or anger, over their hurtful actions.

Finally, after 25 years, I could honestly contact and fully forgive them. In turn, they admitted they had been immature. What are you to do if bitterness and resentment eat at your well-being? When people do stupid, selfish, and harmful things to you, how do you handle it? Here are some pointers I learned in that long journey.

1. Acknowledge your role in your pain. This is not to assume guilt on your part; it is to be aware of your choices as an adult concerning the incident(s). Have you embraced a victim role? Are you angry and distrustful? Do you keep reminiscing about the harm done to you? Have you hurt yourself in any way to “punish” yourself for the anger?
2. Remember when you have hurt other people. It does not have to be the same action as what hurt you, however, we each have caused others pain, accidentally or otherwise. My memories were unsettling, however, consideration of how my actions made people feel in a variety of scenarios, forced me to realize I am capable of causing harm also.
3. Think about what you wanted those people you have harmed to do in response. Generally, we want people to forgive us, put away sore feelings, forget we acted the fool, and continue welcoming us. Most often this is what occurs in our families and amongst friends. Human errors range from minuscule to mighty. We are grateful when people forgive our foibles. What if you have caused mighty harm? Beyond what you may deserve, how do you want people to treat you?
4. Count (if possible) the times you have been forgiven. By people or by God, the times you have received forgiveness are priceless. How does this forgiveness make you feel?
5. Offer that grace to others. Hopefully, as you have done this exercise you are humbled by the grace given to you. Now extend grace to others. This is NOT endorsing bad actions or actors. This is NOT agreeing to trust someone again who you cannot trust. This is looking at the situation and recognizing the humanity at the center of your story. Can you forgive as you have been forgiven?
6. Keep trying and practicing. Perhaps my final success came about because I had grown some emotional muscle over the years by trying. I do not know, but no effort is wasted.

Eventually, my bitterness was taking too much of my time and energy. After going through this process I realized I cannot point and accuse when I am also guilty of much. After praying once again, I felt the deep anger lift. They were wrong in what they did; the memories did not go away. I simply refuse to entertain negative thoughts and do pray for them to be blessed. Freedom is sweet.

-COMMENTS WELCOME

Today’s Helpful Word

Ephesians 4:31-32

Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.

If you are feeling suicidal, or concerned about someone who is, in the U.S. call 988, the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. For a list of international suicide hotlines, go here.

If you are suicidal with a plan, immediately call 911 in the U.S. or go to your nearest emergency room. In the EU call 112. (For other international emergency numbers, go here ). Hope and help are yours!

Always the Fight Ministries (ATFM) has been displaying compassion for those fighting mental illness, addiction, or abuse since 2012. Nancy is the founder and voice of ATFM and openly shares her emotional resurrection from despair. 

NOTE: Nancy is not a doctor or a mental health professional, and speaks only from personal experience and observations. This website is not intended to substitute for professional mental or behavioral health care.

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