By Nancy Virden (c)2023

The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them. I’m not sure where I first heard that phrase, but I regret not always heeding it.

People will play-act trying to persuade you to like them. Others limit self-exposure to who they perceive to be their best selves.

This latter theory would explain why some proud insurrectionists bragged on dating apps, finding themselves arrested for showing off. I’m sure that the majority of Americans do not think insurrection is cool, so these rioters, while convinced of their cause, boasted foolishly.

It is not as easy when the person expressing interest in your presence is coy. Sometimes, we do not find out until a friendship or relationship is underway how judgmental and toxic it is.

I learned the hard way how to pick and stick to safe friends. A therapist finally taught me in my 50s how to find them. Here are the ideas I was given.

1. Be Doubtful of a stranger or an acquaintance. This does not mean you hide in distrust. Do not give yourself away until you have taken the time to know a person very well.

2. Skeptically observe those who want to be closer to you. Again, you do not have to be negative, but watch them with their friends and opposite-sex parent. Keep your eyes and ears open.

3. Be reserved, holding back your complete trust and openness until after you have found solid reasons to believe it is safe to do so. Oversharing and blindly trusting, especially when someone flatters or tries to fill an emotional need before you know them well, is dangerous.

4. Warily ask others about this person. What has been the experience of others with this person?

5. Tentatively trust a little at a time. Test someone who is requesting more of you. Can they keep a secret? Do they talk about other people? Do they treat waiters and bus drivers and the like with respect? How do they talk about their exes or any people group?

6. The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them. You will not change them, improve them more to your liking, or save them.

Time is your ally. You are not in such a hurry. Afraid you will “lose” them if you do not move fast enough? A person with a healthy mind and character will not want to rush you.

When you find that safe friend, nurture the friendship in an equally healthy and safe way.

-COMMENTS WELCOME

Today’s Helpful Word

2 Corinthians 6:14

Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?

If you are feeling suicidal, or concerned about someone who is, in the U.S. call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988, or for a list of international suicide hotlines, go here.

If you are suicidal with a plan, immediately call 911 in the U.S. or go to your nearest emergency room. In the EU call 112. (For other international emergency numbers, go here ). Hope and help are yours!

Always the Fight Ministries (ATFM) has been displaying compassion for those fighting mental illness, addiction, or abuse since 2012. Nancy is the founder and voice of ATFM and openly shares her emotional resurrection from despair. NOTE: Nancy is not a doctor or a mental health professional, and speaks only from personal experience and observations. In no way is this website intended to substitute for professional mental or behavioral health care.

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