By Nancy Virden (c)2023

The Doctor Said (My New Not-so-wanted Saga): Introduction Misdiagnosis Darkness Again? Not My Fault

This past Friday I stayed up until midnight decorating for a birthday party the next day- mine. Part of freedom is that one can do what has always been wanted for themselves. Since I’ve always wanted to walk through a “sea” of balloons, I set out blowing them up.

30 9″-12″ balloons later, I was done. The sea covered two-thirds of the floor space between the edge of the room and the dining table. Perfect.

It was funny observing which guests were timid and shuffled through and which kicked the balloons out of the way. I started out timid and then plowed my way through. Visually the floor was unstable, but the threat was unreal. It was fun. Childlike. Comic relief from recent worries.

Too many years were spent in depression and fear. Now I figure I will do as I please (within reason!) and enjoy a childlike joy. As a result, my birthday party amused adults by having a balloon fight and constructing string art. Bright colors and daisies adorned the table and walls. It was suitable for a little girl but not childish. It was me through and through.

To too many people it is inconceivable to do something untraditional or beyond what is expected. Maybe they do not know what they want or believe it is not good enough. One therapist suggested years ago that I did not “have me.” He was right. I did not know what I liked or wanted.

This is still a struggle today with regard to making a living. I think I know, and then I don’t. Fear will block decision-making somewhat and other ideas can be distractions. One might think I am flighty, but the truth is that once a decision is made I stick to it. Indecision is the culprit.

Last week I turned down an opportunity to buy a sewing-tailoring business. I am a seamstress. Years ago I made a small living doing this kind of work. I have a bachelor’s degree in running organizations. It seemed a good fit. For two days I tossed it around and followed the Bible’s instructions to seek many advisors. Ultimately, it was a giant rabbit trail away from coaching which is my first aim. I allowed fear and uncertainty to steer me off track.

I’m grateful it was a brief diversion. Today I have a job interview (that came up after I passed on the sewing business) for a job as a peer supporter. Will it happen? I do not know. However, I am more grounded now than I was a week ago in the path I am to pursue.

If you do not know who you are or what you want, it may help to think about what brings you the most joy. One silly example is that I have said for decades that yellow is my favorite color. Then recently I realized that the clothes and decor I have historically chosen are blues, rarely yellow. In my sixties, I realized my favorite color is blue. Some of you can relate to that kind of lack of understanding about yourself. Apply a little time and prayer to self-discovery so that you can better see who God created you to be.

-COMMENTS WELCOME

Today’s Helpful Word

Isaiah 41:9,10

I have called you back from the ends of the earth,
    saying, ‘You are my servant.’
For I have chosen you
    and will not throw you away.

Don’t be afraid, for I am with you.
    Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you.
    I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.

If you are feeling suicidal, or concerned about someone who is, in the U.S. call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988, or for a list of international suicide hotlines, go here.

If you are suicidal with a plan, immediately call 911 in the U.S. or go to your nearest emergency room. In the EU call 112. (For other international emergency numbers, go here ). Hope and help are yours!

Always the Fight Ministries (ATFM) has been displaying compassion for those fighting mental illness, addiction, or abuse since 2012. Nancy is the founder and voice of ATFM and openly shares her emotional resurrection from despair. NOTE: Nancy is not a doctor or a mental health professional, and speaks only from personal experience and observations. In no way is this website intended to substitute for professional mental or behavioral health care.

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