By Nancy Virden (c)2026 AlwaysTheFight.com

I was a pastor’s wife, back when dinosaurs roamed the earth, and then my now ex-husband entered music ministry. He was responsible for leading congregations in worship via vocals, orchestration, and choirs.

It was difficult to reconcile his sacred appointments with the reality of life together at home. Nonetheless, I kept quiet about it, even playing the charade (which I tried to believe) of a happy couple in public. How could I, as a pastor’s and music minister’s wife, admit the painful truth to anyone in my social circle? He needed to be spared a bad reputation, right? He needed to be seen as a good guy so people could worship without distraction, right? Or so I thought.

Over the course of life, I’ve come to understand that honest confession would not have been the end of the world. In the best scenario, it could have led to help for our marriage, healing, and peace. The worst-case scenario would have been if he got fired, and no one helped us. Either way, it could not have been worse for me than what was already happening.

How about the church body? If a pastor free of besetting sins and addictions were to lead a church, would the congregation not be better off? If a worship leader could lead in freedom without having to go through a begging God for mercy ritual each Sunday, would not worship have been led more by the Holy Spirit? I was protecting a fraudulent front and selfishly hiding for my own pride’s sake.

If you are a pastor’s wife or married to any church leader whose life does not match up with scriptural mandates for husbands or leaders, I encourage you to be honest with yourself. Why do you hide these facts? I did not seek divorce, but eventually drawing boundaries messed up my husband’s world, so he left and remarried. The end of your marriage is a possibility, but so is the ministry of a compromised man. Weigh what is most important to you.

My silence led to nervous breakdowns and attempts on my own life. I was dead inside before help came, and I began to see my own worth. Is protecting a sinning leader’s reputation worth losing yourself?

I will not judge you for your decision. It does not matter what people think, anyway. Consider God’s point of view and choose wisely. Confession leads to healing, and integrity to honor – even if the road is bumpy along the way.

-COMMENTS WELCOME

Today’s Helpful Word

Ephesians 3:16-19

I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit. Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong.  And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God.

If you are feeling suicidal or concerned about someone who is, in the U.S., call 988, the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. For a list of international suicide hotlines, go here.

If you are suicidal with a plan, immediately call 911 in the U.S. or go to your nearest emergency room; in the EU, call 112. (For other international emergency numbers, go here.) Hope and help are yours!

Always the Fight Ministries (ATFM) has been displaying compassion for those fighting mental illness, addiction, or abuse since 2012. Nancy is the founder and voice of ATFM and openly shares her emotional resurrection from despair. 

NOTE: Nancy is not a doctor or a mental health professional and speaks only from personal experience and observations. This website is not intended to substitute for professional mental or behavioral health care.

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