By Nancy Virden (c)2025

When I think about it, which is infrequent except when I’ve been asked to share my story, the heaviness reappears. I can carry it now, but it remains dark and unpleasant. I’m grateful I cannot forget because in this way I can still relate to others who are also suffering from severe depression and suicide attempts. Several circumstances lately have brought back to remembrance those darkest moments and days of my life. I wonder if I am being prepared to speak life to a desperate soul.

This feeling, the sad and horrific emptiness of soul, is drawing me to worship God with gratitude for His lovingkindness in rescuing me out of the pit. He didn’t have to. He wanted to because He chose me to be His child. He had called me by name 34 years earlier and offered a life of purpose and a close relationship with Him. For the better part of my days, I accepted that offer.

Yet, sometimes I chose the opposite. At other times, I was incapable. Spiritual rebellion aside, bipolar depression has, on occasion, blocked the neuropathways that allow me to feel anything good, including God’s presence. He didn’t abandon me, and I didn’t walk away from Him. My faith was intact as my ability to reason took a beating. It seemed that all was hopeless, and I wanted to stop the excruciating psychological pain and be with Jesus forever.

He knew what was going on and gently guided me to the right people to restore my understanding. I will never forget the profound feeling of whispering “Blessed be the name of the Lord” when I so wished to be with Him, but had come to accept that it was not yet time. Overwhelming disappointment, lifted to God in faith, wrenched emotionally tortured sobs from deep within.

Thoughts of Elijah later came to mind. (Elijah was a prophet in the Old Testament period who had suicidal thoughts and maybe attempted suicide.) In response to Elijah’s hopelessness, God sent a message through an angel that the journey ahead would be too much for the man. This landed in my heart, too. I hadn’t been given an easy road, and the future looked to be full of more losses. If I were to choose to re-enter living, I would need to know that the journey ahead would be too much. Elijah moved in the power and strength of God despite his pain; I would need to rely on God, too.

I am deeply grateful for the many ways God showed up in contrast to my despair. It is my wish and hope that anyone experiencing great loss, emotional overwhelm, suicidal thoughts, or attempts will take a leap of faith and allow God to interfere with the fretful thinking. I know there is hope for each person (yes, even you), wherever they are, because God is everywhere.

Ask Him.

-COMMENTS WELCOME

Today’s Helpful Word

Psalm 90:14-15 -A prayer

Satisfy us each morning with your unfailing love,
    so we may sing for joy to the end of our lives.
Give us gladness in proportion to our former misery!
    Replace the evil years with good.

If you are feeling suicidal or concerned about someone who is, in the U.S., call 988, the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. For a list of international suicide hotlines, go here.

If you are suicidal with a plan, immediately call 911 in the U.S. or go to your nearest emergency room; in the EU, call 112. (For other international emergency numbers, go here.) Hope and help are yours!

Always the Fight Ministries (ATFM) has been displaying compassion for those fighting mental illness, addiction, or abuse since 2012. Nancy is the founder and voice of ATFM and openly shares her emotional resurrection from despair. 

NOTE: Nancy is not a doctor or a mental health professional and speaks only from personal experience and observations. This website is not intended to substitute for professional mental or behavioral health care.

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