By Nancy Virden (c)2025

Get hurt, pause, decide to forgive and forget, and then deal with bitterness and resentment long-term. That’s been my pattern most of my life. The forgive and forget part never really works unless my feelings are validated (whether or not I receive a sincere apology), and I confront the injustice or realize I am wrong.

This takes introspection, and for the follower of Christ, prayer. Far too often, I have asked God to take away the hurt without being willing to put in the work. Being stuck on pause means nothing is accomplished, and my feverish attempt at forgiving and forgetting is purely wishful thinking. Naturally, bitterness grows at being misunderstood, attacked, and unheard.

Here are several steps that work when I use them!

1. Pause long enough to gather your thoughts. This pause allows anger to simmer and for logic and reasoning to rise.
2. Ask, What exactly am I feeling? Sit with it and figure out if it is anger, fear, hurt pride, betrayal, helplessness, hopelessness, guilt, or anything else? Simply acknowledge the emotions. Do not criticize your feelings or yourself.
3. Plan for resolution. This may involve making an appointment with the person who hurt you or setting a time and place for bringing it up. Do you want to talk face-to-face or write a letter? Maybe you want to pray, talk to a pastor, or rest first.
4. Do not pause for too long. If an injustice has you reeling, address it with the perpetrator quickly. This may be a day or two; however, do not let it pass. If more serious issues require law enforcement, call them immediately.
5. Use “I” statements. The best form of confrontation is avoiding finger-pointing and accusations. Instead, say, “When such and such was said (or done), I felt…” The times I have ignored this tactic have always resulted in the other person responding defensively. Then it is difficult to get back on track.
6. Take action to heal yourself. Talk to someone about your feelings to get them validated, or search scripture to see that your emotions are normal and God can help you with them. Choose to look forward and not back. You have a life to live, so live it; think about what positive things you can offer the world.

-COMMENTS WELCOME

Today’s Helpful Word

James 1:19-20

 My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.

If you are feeling suicidal or concerned about someone who is, in the U.S., call 988, the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. For a list of international suicide hotlines, go here.

If you are suicidal with a plan, immediately call 911 in the U.S. or go to your nearest emergency room; in the EU, call 112. (For other international emergency numbers, go here.) Hope and help are yours!

Always the Fight Ministries (ATFM) has been displaying compassion for those fighting mental illness, addiction, or abuse since 2012. Nancy is the founder and voice of ATFM and openly shares her emotional resurrection from despair. 

NOTE: Nancy is not a doctor or a mental health professional and speaks only from personal experience and observations. This website is not intended to substitute for professional mental or behavioral health care.

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