By Nancy Virden (c)2025

Mental disorders are a type of chronic illness in that they come with episodes, remissions, and recurrences. Learning to manage them can lead to satisfaction, fulfilment, and even healing. That does not mean they go away; instead, the symptoms become manageable, and to some extent, controllable.

Supporting someone who is living with this type of mental health challenge means several things. Here is a list of To-dos and To-not-dos that will freshen and help you maintain a healthier relationship with this person’s difficulties:

1. Encourage professional help. Experts are highly trained, imperfect (not God), helpful, and should know how to listen confidentially and without preconceived ideas. Various therapeutic theories employ different pathways to guide you in discovering your own answers. For example, one type of therapy may offer more insight into one’s experiences and childhood than another, leading to more effective solutions without requiring an in-depth analysis of the past.

At one time I needed to process the past. No longer do I need or want this. Encourage your friend to research (or help them research), and if a professional is not holding to the standards needed, to go elsewhere.

2. Draw your boundaries. Your life was, is, and will always be your own. You decide what you will or will not allow into it. Know your true priorities and make sure to keep them first. You determine how much, when, and how you will sacrifice for your friend. Have an action plan for emergencies.

3. Show that your love/interest/care is real. If the person with a mental health challenge dismisses your words of love and care, show them you mean it by checking in with them regularly. Even texts are easy, and a simple Thinking of you can suffice. The worst feeling in the world is being isolated and no one noticing. If their needs are raging and you feel they want to take advantage of you, refer to #2.

4. Don’t allow the relationship to change your role. Whatever your role is in this person’s life, maintain it. Do not become their therapist if you are not one. Do not offer medical advice if you are not a psychiatrist. Your deeper theories on religious matters do not count during an episode; remind them that God’s love is unending and Jesus is the ultimate Savior. Do not preach if you are not a preacher. Stay in your lane and do not become someone’s chauffeur, housekeeper, or bank unless, for a time, you want to pitch in. Of course, kindness is a good idea.

There is time during remission to discuss things of serious importance. In an episode, your friend’s cognitive ability is compromised; reason may be difficult to pinpoint. It is possible to respect that fact and maintain the role you have. Keep your conversation simple and encouraging.

5. Listen. Some people need to talk. Let them within your time availability. If they call at 7pm, you can say, “I have until 7:30,” and then end the call at 7:30. Whatever time frame you choose, stick to it and let them know you care but have limits on your time. Their needs may scream, “If you cared, you would…” give more, do more, and sacrifice more. They are in pain and responding as such. These are not your orders.

Listen well. Do not interrogate; show interest by asking a few follow-up questions. Validate what they say with “If I understand, you feel _____. Is that right?” Go ahead and say “That makes sense” because if you had their experience, you might feel the same way.

6. Learn. If you know a diagnosis, learn about it. Some of your friend’s symptoms will make more sense, and you will have firmer ground on which to draw your boundaries. Your patience and empathy can grow.

7. Keep your promises or do not make any. Period. This cannot be overstated. Likely, your friend is fragile during an episode. During remissions, they will remember who was trustworthy when it counted.

8. Teach them how to treat you. By drawing healthy boundaries and following through, you teach them what to say or not say, do or not do, around or to you. This can go from the tone they use to certain word choices, to intolerable behaviors. In the same way, what you do not draw a boundary around will be their permission to continue as they are. I highly recommend communication first. Write it down if you must. Go over it with them and use I statements such as, “I feel __________ when you do or say __________. I will not continue to tolerate it for my own mental health’s (or family’s or time’s) sake. If you do or say that again around me, I will ask you to leave (or I will leave, not call you).”

9. Remind them of their worth using positive, sincere language. Instead of “You matter to your family and you are letting them down,” try “Your child loves you and is hoping for you to be well. I am hoping (praying) for you to be well, too, because you matter to me.”

10. Reassure them that God loves them IN their struggle. God’s love does not waver in the wind. If your friend is a disciple of Jesus, Jesus will continue to be at their side through any challenge. God is always calling people to Himself, so reminding your friend of that is kindness.

-COMMENTS WELCOME

Today’s Helpful Word

Matthew 7:12

“Do to others whatever you would like them to do to you. This is the essence of all that is taught in the law and the prophets.” -Jesus

If you are feeling suicidal or concerned about someone who is, in the U.S., call 988, the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. For a list of international suicide hotlines, go here.

If you are suicidal with a plan, immediately call 911 in the U.S. or go to your nearest emergency room; in the EU, call 112. (For other international emergency numbers, go here.) Hope and help are yours!

Always the Fight Ministries (ATFM) has been displaying compassion for those fighting mental illness, addiction, or abuse since 2012. Nancy is the founder and voice of ATFM and openly shares her emotional resurrection from despair. 

NOTE: Nancy is not a doctor or a mental health professional and speaks only from personal experience and observations. This website is not intended to substitute for professional mental or behavioral health care.

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