By Nancy Virden (c)2025

People don’t know what to say. It is not like we learn the skill in school or at church. We learn by hearing the news that someone died of suicide and having to figure out what to say to their loved ones on the spot.

No wonder most people say nothing at all.

“Died in her sleep” is a coroner’s euphemism for suicide unless there is further explanation. At most funerals, people talk about how the person died. Hush-hush tones from the family, or if you are left questioning, may be signs of a suicide death.

No one knows what to say.

Families and survivors of suicide loss find their support from within. Some go into ministries or non-profit work to help other people in similar circumstances or to prevent suicide. Long before they experience personal healing, they often find themselves supporting others.

Grief ebbs and flows like a ball of a child’s Slime. It comes in waves, slopping over everything in its path, then retracts, leaving a residue of renewed pain and relief. Because no one alive can tell you why the suicide occurred, it remains a question for the rest of your life.

One person I know found a sense of peace in God. Her sense of guilt was resolved in communion with Jesus. Another was left questioning God. No religious platitude is appropriate here unless you tell the survivors that God loves them.

These are some ideas that will help you get over the hump of not responding at all:

1. Keep it short.
2. Avoid platitudes. Be original, like, “I enjoyed __________’s sense of humor. I’m sorry he’s gone.”
3. Mention the name of the person who died. You may be surprised how their name is often overlooked or pushed under the rug. “___________ was appreciated.”
4. Honor the living as well as the dead. If you know they resented the lifestyle of the person who died, don’t bring it up. If they were mean to the one who died, don’t mention it! If you think the one who died is going to suffer for eternity, keep it to yourself!
5. Offer kindnesses such as a meal, a ride, doing the dishes, sending mail, or an hour to listen to stories about the one who died by suicide. Stay within your boundaries and be of service.
6. Do not offer answers. There is no answer. You picking at ideas of why God allowed this or what may have led to suicide is harmful, not helpful. Grief will take its time; do not try to make it go away.

-COMMENTS WELCOME

Today’s Helpful Word

Romans 12:15

Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.

If you are feeling suicidal or concerned about someone who is, in the U.S., call 988, the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. For a list of international suicide hotlines, go here.

If you are suicidal with a plan, immediately call 911 in the U.S. or go to your nearest emergency room; in the EU, call 112. (For other international emergency numbers, go here.) Hope and help are yours!

Always the Fight Ministries (ATFM) has been displaying compassion for those fighting mental illness, addiction, or abuse since 2012. Nancy is the founder and voice of ATFM and openly shares her emotional resurrection from despair. 

NOTE: Nancy is not a doctor or a mental health professional and speaks only from personal experience and observations. This website is not intended to substitute for professional mental or behavioral health care.

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