By Nancy Virden (c)2025

A loved one dies by suicide.

You are devastated, shocked, and unable to process that last conversation.

No one has ever written a how-to manual for handling this type of grief. It is a mix of sadness, anger, guilt, and disbelief. No one is alive to tell you why this happened, so you are left to guess for the rest of your life.

In a search for answers and relief, you replay everything repeatedly. What was said? How was it said? What clues did you miss? How should I have acted differently in the moment?

If you are a survivor of suicide loss, you can name many doubts and fears that I do not list here. Out of approximately fifteen such people that I have met, not one was fully at peace even decades later.

People who die by suicide are not being selfish in the way many people think they are. Of course, there is no way to speak for everyone who has died in this way, but people who have survived suicide attempts report that they did not realize the pain they would cause. Instead, and I’ve heard this from individuals and professional mental health care sources, if depression is behind the hopelessness, attempters are not able to think much about others at all.

I have heard a suicidal person say, “You’ll get over it.” I have used those words myself and meant them. In the throes of severe depression, we see and experience only pain. Our rationale is (obviously) confused. Sometime after healing has begun, suicide attempt survivors realize what almost happened and are apologetic.

In my opinion, suicide loss survivors are mistaken when they carry guilt. If the one who died could not control what was happening in them, you can surely not expect that you could have. It is the responsibility of each of us to seek effective help when we need it. If the person who died did not reach out for emergency care, they made the mistake, not you. You can move on and forgive them to set yourself free.

-COMMENTS WELCOME

Today’s Helpful Word

Hebrews 4:16

Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.

If you are feeling suicidal or concerned about someone who is, in the U.S., call 988, the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. For a list of international suicide hotlines, go here.

If you are suicidal with a plan, immediately call 911 in the U.S. or go to your nearest emergency room; in the EU, call 112. (For other international emergency numbers, go here.) Hope and help are yours!

Always the Fight Ministries (ATFM) has been displaying compassion for those fighting mental illness, addiction, or abuse since 2012. Nancy is the founder and voice of ATFM and openly shares her emotional resurrection from despair. 

NOTE: Nancy is not a doctor or a mental health professional and speaks only from personal experience and observations. This website is not intended to substitute for professional mental or behavioral health care.

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