By Nancy Virden (c)2025

Ask yourself this question:

Has my rightful role changed in my relationship with the person who seems to need my help?

Have you gone from parent to banker, or from friend to therapist, or from church leader to on-call servant? Are you repeatedly adjusting your schedule? If you are taking on a role that is not yours, you may be enabling someone’s unwillingness to help themselves.

Even when people who live with a mental disorder are struggling, they can help themselves a little. They may need bus fare, but in most cases, they can catch the bus. They can usually hold to a schedule and keep appointments. They find free food. If they are on drugs, they manage to find and pay for them. Do they manage to score the alcohol they crave? All the selfish things they ask of you are not your obligation. They are not helpless.

Of course, we want to encourage loved ones to follow through on an effective action plan. Nevertheless, the loved ones must decide what to do. If they do not attend appointments or acknowledge their need for help, anything you continue to give them will be spent on that which harms them.

By agreeing to change our role in their lives, we become all things to them. Our boundaries shift, and so they never know when to stop asking for money or favors. They can avoid making up their minds about recovery. When they get angry, they are trying to force your hand because they are scared. They wonder where the next fix will come from or worry about whether they can be OK. They have placed you in the rescuer role; you are the only one who can get yourself out.

If a loved one has lost all hope and may hurt themselves or others, call 911 or tell your loved one to go to the nearest ER and make sure they do. Remove lethal items from their environment. Do not leave them alone until they are safe. If they were making fake threats of suicide or exaggerating for sympathy, the doctors and nurses would figure that out.

You must, for your sake and for your loved one, draw and maintain wise boundaries. Your care may be hurting them.

-COMMENTS WELCOME

Today’s Helpful Word

1 Peter 5:6-8 niv

 Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

If you are feeling suicidal or concerned about someone who is, in the U.S., call 988, the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. For a list of international suicide hotlines, go here.

If you are suicidal with a plan, immediately call 911 in the U.S. or go to your nearest emergency room; in the EU, call 112. (For other international emergency numbers, go here.) Hope and help are yours!

Always the Fight Ministries (ATFM) has been displaying compassion for those fighting mental illness, addiction, or abuse since 2012. Nancy is the founder and voice of ATFM and openly shares her emotional resurrection from despair. 

NOTE: Nancy is not a doctor or a mental health professional and speaks only from personal experience and observations. This website is not intended to substitute for professional mental or behavioral health care.

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