By Nancy Virden (c)2024

It happened again. I was walking out the door of a store and a woman walking in said, “Sorry.” Why? She perceived she was in my way even when she had reached the door first and did not come close to bumping me.

This must stop.

Why do some women apologize all the time? Is it supposed to be polite or kind? When no wrong has been committed and no harm done, all an apology does is pressure the other person to offer forgiveness falsely or to attempt to explain that no apology is necessary. Why put this on anyone, let alone a stranger who is only trying to leave the store?

I ended up saying nothing at all. What was my responsibility: to forgive something that did not happen or to appease the conscience of someone I do not know?

When one does not understand that each of us is responsible for his or her choices and that it is one’s duty to meet his or her own needs, it may seem easier to carry the blame for everyone’s problems. Without boundaries and assertiveness to stick by them, the woman at the store may have found an easy way to relieve herself of the pain of false guilt. Am I wrong? If she apologizes for no reason, she can avoid her fear of creating and maintaining healthy boundaries.

Let’s say two women are in the same predicament. They each need to leave a crowded elevator from the back. One struggles with boundaries and apologizes her way through to the door. She is used to blaming herself because she does not “allow” others to be responsible for themselves; she imagines she is forcing them to move out of her way. She is also mind-reading when she assumes those who move are bothered by the necessity. Lastly, she is ego-centric when she believes she has the influence or power to make anyone do what they do not want. When this concept is learned, she will stop apologizing for the endless situations out of her control.

The other woman at the back of the elevator simply says, “Please excuse me” at the beginning of her walk, and says thank you as she leaves. In doing so she gave everyone in that elevator the freedom to choose whether to excuse her. She showed appreciation for all who chose to help by moving out of the way. No one in the elevator expected these women to fly out overhead! It is a common experience; part of using elevators is accepting that one may have to move to allow more people in or out. The women, doing nothing but what was necessary to get off on their floor, owed no apology.

In the corporate world and in marriages excessive apologizing can undermine what a woman hopes to achieve. Women, have you noticed that men do not generally apologize to each other for meaningless inconveniences? By excessively apologizing, you are not showing your kind side. You are giving off the impression that you are fragile, untrustworthy, unserious, and demanding in ways you do not intend.

It is not a flattering look. Keeping to your real responsibilities and apologizing in meaningful scenarios will make you stronger, more respected, and better apt to lead.

-COMMENTS WELCOME

Today’s Helpful Word

Galatians 6:3-5

Pay careful attention to your own work, for then you will get the satisfaction of a job well done, and you won’t need to compare yourself to anyone else. For we are each responsible for our own conduct.

If you are feeling suicidal, or concerned about someone who is, in the U.S. call 988, the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. For a list of international suicide hotlines, go here.

If you are suicidal with a plan, immediately call 911 in the U.S. or go to your nearest emergency room. In the EU call 112. (For other international emergency numbers, go here ). Hope and help are yours!

Always the Fight Ministries (ATFM) has been displaying compassion for those fighting mental illness, addiction, or abuse since 2012. Nancy is the founder and voice of ATFM and openly shares her emotional resurrection from despair. 

NOTE: Nancy is not a doctor or a mental health professional, and speaks only from personal experience and observations. This website is not intended to substitute for professional mental or behavioral health care.

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