By Nancy Virden (c)2024

There is a fine line between trying to control everyone and everything around you and feeling empathy. People-pleasers are not unselfish; they “help” to be accepted by others. People who regularly jump in uninvited to fix situations are not leaders; they get involved to satisfy their distrust of others. Suggestion-givers are not always helping others make wise decisions; perhaps the one with the suggestions is on a power kick.

Yet people-pleasers, fixers, and suggestion-givers often think they are doing what is best. It takes some insight to see oneself as one actually comes across. An interesting question to ask ourselves might be, am I genuinely concerned about this person or trying to control them for my comfort?

Choose which of the following five statements sounds like Control or Empathetic Concern.

1) She does not want to listen, so I will tell her again, “Get up, you’re depressed because you won’t do anything about it.” I have the advice my loved one needs. I will tell her even if she ignores me.

2) I know he is quite anxious right now, so I say, “Hey, you want to go for a walk?” You know, for better or worse.

3) It is difficult watching my elderly mother struggle with yet another episode of extreme mood swings. I have repeatedly told her to sell the house and move into a mental health facility. Maybe she likes being this way since she won’t let me help.

4) He is my best friend and has withdrawn more than usual lately. I want my introverted husband to be there for me again. So, I will make him happy by inviting people over tonight.

5) My sister is neglecting her kids because of her addiction. I will take them in and offer to drive her to rehab if she wants to go.

What did you decide? 2 and 5 are examples of empathetic responses and doing what needs to be done without embracing the unreasonable behaviors of loved ones. It is not wrong to wish life were easier or to want what you believe is best for someone. It is crossing the line from concerned love into an attempt at control when our agenda is more about our comfort or having our way than what the hurting person needs in a healing process.

-COMMENTS WELCOME

Today’s Helpful Word

1 Corinthians 13:3

“If I gave everything I have to the poor and even sacrificed my body, I could boast about it; but if I didn’t love others, I would have gained nothing. …“

If you are feeling suicidal, or concerned about someone who is, in the U.S. call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988, or for a list of international suicide hotlines, go here.

If you are suicidal with a plan, immediately call 911 in the U.S. or go to your nearest emergency room. In the EU call 112. (For other international emergency numbers, go here ). Hope and help are yours!

Always the Fight Ministries (ATFM) has been displaying compassion for those fighting mental illness, addiction, or abuse since 2012. Nancy is the founder and voice of ATFM and openly shares her emotional resurrection from despair. NOTE: Nancy is not a doctor or a mental health professional, and speaks only from personal experience and observations. In no way is this website intended to substitute for professional mental or behavioral health care.

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