By Nancy Virden (c)2024

We speak much about freedom these days, especially around July 4. A friend asked me how she could respond to a woman who dominates my friend’s time by talking fast, often, and nonstop. There are plenty of reasons why a person may communicate this way, but despite the cause of such chatterboxing my friend needed boundaries to set herself free from this other person’s demands on her time and emotional energy.

The first rule of boundary-drawing is that we cannot change another person. Boundaries are not for stopping the chatterbox; boundaries are for what we decide to allow and disallow into our lives.

In my thirties, life experience had taught me that if a friend on the other end of the phone wanted to go, she was simply to say so. I had not encountered the less direct and supposedly mannerly way of saying, “I’m going to let you go now.” One friend said that and I responded, “I do not need to go yet” which made sense. After a few phone calls, she said she would not be talking to me on the phone again because I wouldn’t end the conversations promptly. This hurt me and it was a painful way to learn that some people protect themselves from confrontation by dropping hints.

It may seem a waste of time to insist the person halt or slow down. Ask kindly anyway. Be direct and ask, “Is there a reason I seem to be doing most of the listening?” Start a friendly conversation on how to meet both of your needs. Explain how much time you have or do not have. Be specific about when you are available.

If this does not influence the other to respect your time (or emotional energy), begin each random conversation with your boundary. “I have 3 minutes, ” or “You can call me between 7-7:30 tonight.” Make plans for the future: “Let’s plan to chat on Tuesdays at 5 for an hour.”

Keep your expectations low. Change, if it comes, may take a while. Let them ramble; try to practice active listening (if I heard you right it seems you feel…) if they give you the chance. Always sound glad to hear from them. 

If you see signs of an increasing problem, ask them if they are ok, and repeat your boundaries calmly.

The second rule of boundary-drawing is that boundaries only work if you stick to them. If you said, “I can listen for 30 minutes”, perhaps offer a 5-minute warning, and at 30 minutes you say you have to go. Walk away, close the door, hang up the phone, talk to someone else, or quit responding to texts. Do what is possible to protect your boundaries. One kind way to end an insistent conversation is, “This will have to be continued on Monday when I will have from 8-8:30. Bye.”

It may be necessary, due to their tone of voice, negativity, or lack of respect for boundaries, to tell them you will not talk to them anymore because they talk too much or because of their negative impact. I had to do this once and it worked to ease my stress. Boundaries are for deciding what we will allow into our lives.

Follow Jesus’ example and ask him for help in creating and holding to your boundaries.

-COMMENTS WELCOME

Today’s Helpful Word

Psalm 32:8-9

God promises: “I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you with my loving eye on you.”

God warns: “Do not be like the horse or the mule, which have no understanding but must be controlled by bit and bridle or they will not come to you”.    

If you are feeling suicidal, or concerned about someone who is, in the U.S. call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988, or for a list of international suicide hotlines, go here.

If you are suicidal with a plan, immediately call 911 in the U.S. or go to your nearest emergency room. In the EU call 112. (For other international emergency numbers, go here ). Hope and help are yours!

Always the Fight Ministries (ATFM) has been displaying compassion for those fighting mental illness, addiction, or abuse since 2012. Nancy is the founder and voice of ATFM and openly shares her emotional resurrection from despair. NOTE: Nancy is not a doctor or a mental health professional, and speaks only from personal experience and observations. In no way is this website intended to substitute for professional mental or behavioral health care.

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