By Nancy Virden (c)2023

Staring at the earth-toned couch while a long-suffering therapist looked on, tears escaped my unwilling eyelids even as they scrunched together in tight rebellion. Where did this come from, I wondered. I was having a good day. Now I look back and wish for that moment from months ago, and a chance to feel the gush of sweet release running freely down my face. Little did I know that was my last opportunity to cry.

A diagnosis of the genetic disease, Sjogren’s, came a week later. Sjogren’s dries up functional fluids in a person’s body. More than a quarter century ago, a doctor told my dad, “You have Sjogren’s. It will not kill you, but you will wish it did.” I also inherited my dad’s optimistic nature; chances for happiness are greater now due to improved treatments.

Still, losses surprise me. Due to Sjogren’s’ unpredictable fatigue, I recently had to inform my class of about a dozen adults at church that I could no longer promise to be anywhere at a set time and my focus would turn to writing. I have canceled lunch dates with friends and a planned trip to visit my son who lives two hours away met with the same fate. I rarely make it to church services.

Never did I dream that I would miss tears.

I want to weep with friends who are in pain and let my sons see that I stand with them in their battles. I want tears to empty my heart of pride when I worship my Savior and Lord, Jesus Christ. I want to grieve, to know tearful joy, and laugh heartily until my cheeks and collar are wet. I want the relief of a good, ugly cry.

Ironic is it not, that it took until the age of fifty to embrace expressions of difficult feelings, and ten years later, not be able to? Thank God I can laugh!

My focus is not on missed opportunities of the past, but on what is next. I am composing articles and books and inserting authenticity into everything I write. God is not done with me, tears or not. He may explain a reason for this and other challenges, or He may not.  Honoring and trusting Him is what matters most.  He will show me the best path and my hope will remain in His love.

-COMMENTS WELCOME

Today’s Helpful Word

Psalm 32:8

The Lord says, “I will guide you along the best pathway for your life.  I will advise you and watch over you.

Psalm 33:20-22 niv

We wait in hope for the Lord; he is our help and our shield. In him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in his holy name. May your unfailing love be with us, Lord,  even as we put our hope in you.

If you are feeling suicidal, or concerned about someone who is, in the U.S. call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988, or for a list of international suicide hotlines, go here.

If you are suicidal with a plan, immediately call 911 in the U.S. or go to your nearest emergency room. In the EU call 112. (For other international emergency numbers, go here ). Hope and help are yours!

Always the Fight Ministries (ATFM) has been displaying compassion for those fighting mental illness, addiction, or abuse since 2012. Nancy is the founder and voice of ATFM and openly shares her emotional resurrection from despair. NOTE: Nancy is not a doctor or a mental health professional, and speaks only from personal experience and observations. In no way is this website intended to substitute for professional mental or behavioral health care.

_{HOLY BIBLE, NEW LIVING TRANSLATION, COPYRIGHT © 1996, 2004, 2015 BY TYNDALE HOUSE FOUNDATION. USED BY PERMISSION OF TYNDALE HOUSE PUBLISHERS, INC., CAROL STREAM, ILLINOIS 60188, PER BIBLE GATEWAY. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. RETRIEVED FROM HTTPS://WWW.BIBLEGATEWAY.COM/}