By Nancy Virden (c)2023

I will not blame senior moments for my foibles because silly mistakes have been none too rare for a few decades (albeit more frequently of late). While chatting with a friend yesterday on the phone, she suggested I may have a text waiting from a mutual friend. Immediately I commenced looking for … wait for it… my phone!

One can only laugh and accept the humble truth of being a hearty resident of Foibledom. When younger, I would try to save my pride. No more of that useless venture!

About a year ago a woman was sharing with me her bitter frustration at a betrayal she had recently experienced. In hopes of relieving her of some of her pain, I committed a mistake that I knew immediately was a hurtful one. I had said, “What positives might you see in life besides the hurt?”

She was direct. “I do not need one more person telling me to stop being angry!”

She was right, and thankfully my next words were on point. “Your anger is legitimate and I am sorry to have implied otherwise.”

The lesson for all of us is that each person’s emotions and experiences deserve and need validation. Seriously? you may ask. Even when one’s anger is misplaced or they are overreacting?

Yes. Validation does not mean you feel the same or agree with all the rationale. Validation is simply agreeing with the person that what they express is true to them. In the privacy of our minds we can realize that if we saw things the way the other person does, we might feel similar emotions.

A psychologist with many years of experience with thousands of clients told me, “I’ve never seen anyone really able to move on without validation.”

We are most helpful when, instead of saying, “You need to let go of your anger,” we try, “Of course you’re angry.” Instead of insisting, “You are overreacting,” try, “It makes sense you would feel that way.”

This is a trauma-informed, mannerly, respectful, and kind way to speak when another is engulfed in strong emotions. Once free of the necessity of defending their pain, they can move on with more trust. Their healing process can begin.

-COMMENTS WELCOME

Today’s Helpful Word

Ephesians 4:29

Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.

If you are feeling suicidal, or concerned about someone who is, in the U.S. call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988, or for a list of international suicide hotlines, go here.

If you are suicidal with a plan, immediately call 911 in the U.S. or go to your nearest emergency room. In the EU call 112. (For other international emergency numbers, go here ). Hope and help are yours!

Always the Fight Ministries (ATFM) has been displaying compassion for those fighting mental illness, addiction, or abuse since 2012. Nancy is the founder and voice of ATFM and openly shares her emotional resurrection from despair. NOTE: Nancy is not a doctor or a mental health professional, and speaks only from personal experience and observations. In no way is this website intended to substitute for professional mental or behavioral health care.

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