By Nancy Virden (c)2023

You won’t let go of the past is an accusation made by many abusers and excuse-makers. However, when this statement is made, history has usually been rife with repetitive cycles and broken promises. The love-bombing abuser does not want us to be realistic about the abuser’s personal failures to improve. The abuser wants us to believe the promises being made today. If you can’t ignore the unimportant past, you are either remembering things wrongly or are unforgiving and mean. It’s gaslighting.

Victims (aka survivors) are not stupid. We are driven by values unlike those of abusers. We want to be forgiving. We want the relationship to be balanced, equal. We want our children to find good role models in us as parents. We prioritize peace. We want to be good spouses and try to create a space where love for each other can thrive. We are often too trusting and naive.

This is not the agenda of the abuser. The abuser wants circumstances to be satisfying. Always looking for someone to stroke his or her ego, the abuser demands compliance and punishes the intended target who stands in the way. In the abuser’s mind, the world should revolve around the abuser. The victim’s choices should revolve around the abuser’s wants.

One tricky part about all this is that the abuser wants people outside the relationship to help endorse such behavior. Publicly demonstrating affection, the abuser teaches the world that everything is ok in the home. Generally, outsiders fall in line and support the abuser. Here is where it gets confusing for the victim. Should I go along with this public affection because it is all I will get, or should I believe this public affection is true, or should I refuse it and publicly look like a mean-spirited person? It’s a set-up.

Grace and mercy and forgiveness all have a place in healthy relationships. When we have an abuser who is manipulating scenarios for his or her benefit, it is not a healthy relationship. Grace can look like enabling the abuser to sin. Mercy can look like a lack of self-confidence. Forgiveness can look like a lost identity and uncertainty of one’s place.

Let go of the past is a dangerous statement. Yes, we want to move past history. We want to take a stand and live our lives as God created us to live it. Nonetheless, if you are asked to let go of the past, make sure it is not a demand to maintain the status quo.

-COMMENTS WELCOME

Today’s Helpful Word

2 Thessalonians 1:10-12

When [Jesus] comes on that day, he will receive glory from his holy people—praise from all who believe. And this includes you, for you believed what we told you about him.

So we keep on praying for you, asking our God to enable you to live a life worthy of his call. May he give you the power to accomplish all the good things your faith prompts you to do. Then the name of our Lord Jesus will be honored because of the way you live, and you will be honored along with him. This is all made possible because of the grace of our God and Lord, Jesus Christ.

If you are feeling suicidal, or concerned about someone who is, in the U.S. call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988, or for a list of international suicide hotlines, go here.

If you are suicidal with a plan, immediately call 911 in the U.S. or go to your nearest emergency room. In the EU call 112. (For other international emergency numbers, go here ). Hope and help are yours!

Always the Fight Ministries (ATFM) has been displaying compassion for those fighting mental illness, addiction, or abuse since 2012. Nancy is the founder and voice of ATFM and openly shares her emotional resurrection from despair. NOTE: Nancy is not a doctor or a mental health professional, and speaks only from personal experience and observations. In no way is this website intended to substitute for professional mental or behavioral health care.

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