By Nancy Virden (c)2023

Yep, I’m a senior and wish graduation from the school of hard knocks was happening this spring. My senior status has nothing to do with education, and it seems I should have “this”, whatever “this” is, figured out.

Not to be. A recent life lesson has to do with approaching people who have a history of trauma. If someone says, “It’s nothing,” occasionally my response has been, “You need to talk about it. ” I have merely been parroting what others say. The fact is, no one needs to talk about their struggles, least of all to me, or at once, and by using those words I may be pushy and (gasp) harmful.

Sometimes trying to help is just getting in the way. We can circumvent another person’s plans and creative problem-solving by interfering with answers, suggestions, instructions, should-haves or ought-tos, or even by insisting that he or she talk. Our motive is not the issue- we may accidentally be adding pressure to an already stressful situation.

Not all trauma survivors need to talk. Yes, eventually they do, to at least one safe person, but it is not forever helpful to keep repeating it. Talking about their trauma may cause some people to relive it. It is best to let people know they can have your listening ear if and when they want it.

In the same way, when we first learn of another person’s trauma, our reactionary response may be, “Why didn’t you tell me sooner?” I remember while giving birth to my second son in an emergency situation, that is what my husband said when he finally heard my screams. Momentarily, I felt accused and guilty for not screaming louder.

The first time anyone said, “Thank you for trusting me with your story” was a shocker. It was foreign and yet comforting. Many survivors of all sorts of experiences do not feel like talking about it or cannot for complex reasons. Childhood traumas often go unremembered or unfelt until decades later.

Responding with, “Thank you for trusting me with this” is validating and accepting, and may release pressure from the one who may need to tell you more.

-COMMENTS WELCOME

Today’s Helpful Word

Proverbs 15:4
Gentle words are a tree of life

If you are feeling suicidal, or concerned about someone who is, in the U.S. call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988, or for a list of international suicide hotlines, go here.

If you are suicidal with a plan, immediately call 911 in the U.S. or go to your nearest emergency room. In the EU call 112. (For other international emergency numbers, go here ). Hope and help are yours!

Always the Fight Ministries (ATFM) has been displaying compassion for those fighting mental illness, addiction, or abuse since 2012. Nancy is the founder and voice of ATFM and openly shares her emotional resurrection from despair. NOTE: Nancy is not a doctor or a mental health professional, and speaks only from personal experience and observations. In no way is this website intended to substitute for professional mental or behavioral health care.

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