By Nancy Virden (c)2023

If you are feeling suicidal, or concerned about someone who is, in the U.S. call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988, or for a list of international suicide hotlines, go here. If you are suicidal with a plan, immediately call 911 in the U.S. or go to your nearest emergency room. In the EU call 112. (For other international emergency numbers, go here ). Hope and help are yours!

Nancy’s suicide story 1988 / Nancy’s suicide story 2005

Unfortunately, at the age of 49, I had to completely crash with no denials left before I could begin to take in the truth that God’s endless love is for me as His beloved daughter. January of 2011 followed a year of burn-out and loss, exacerbated by a trans-state move to Philadelphia.

The previous November I graduated college at the ripe age of 48, underwent surgery, and learned I was about to say goodbye to everyone and everything I knew. My husband had contracted a job eight hours away. My work and goals were in Ohio. Our grown sons did not want to go with us, and so the rushed goodbyes and unraveling of my plans began.

I broke out in hives, got sick, and gave away almost everything we owned. It was pure faith on New Year’s Day in 2010 following a man who did not love me into a strange unknown. Now as empty nesters, my husband’s silent treatment abuse escalated even as I struggled with having lost everyone else.

Oddly, I did not recognize the red flags and symptoms of a major depressive episode until it was far too late. In May, I stopped taking all psychiatric meds cold turkey. As illogical as this was, many people are hurt by this common twist that is rooted in our disorders and stigma, fueled by a natural wish to be self-efficient and free of medication. By December, despair had taken control.

Above all, I felt trapped. I saw a lifetime of losses to be followed by more. Emotional burdens had become too heavy, and I could not go on. Whatever God wanted of me could be done by someone else more worthy. This was not stubborn self-pity, these were solid realities in my mind at the time.

No one knew about the first suicide attempt in December. On January 15, 2011, I didn’t ask God to interfere as I had in the past. This time I asked, “Is it time?” and followed the voice that said, “Yes, come home.” That was not God’s voice.

Once in the hospital, I attempted again. Death was all I wanted. There was no more hope for relief that I could see. I was angry to be alive and fought against the good intentions of medical doctors and nurses.

God met me in this deepest of emotional pits by providing qualified help and the humility to finally admit that the way I had been doing life was not working. So many beliefs had to change. Since I had not known healthy love, I had to experience the faithfulness of professionals until the stubborn belief that I was not worthy of their time left me. It took years while I continued to have suicidal thoughts.

Veils of denial concerning my marriage were slow to fall from my eyes. The evidence of reality versus false hopes became strikingly blatant, and in sorrow, I made the decision to ask for marital separation. The concept of not deserving abuse had been slow to take hold. Healing does not occur for anyone until the abuse stops; separation from the silent treatment and other violations had to occur to begin to hear what God had been trying to say all along about real love. I am still learning how to accept love and trust others. (By the way, I did not divorce my husband- he did not like my healthy boundaries and divorced me because he was not happy without a compliant victim. He remarried.)

If you have been sent the message that you are not worth someone’s time or investment, that God is too busy for you, or that His love is merely pity, please listen. I was wrong all those years and it nearly cost me my life. No one’s worth is limited by another person’s approval or disapproval. God is near to us when we are broken-hearted and oppressed. If you are trusting in Jesus for salvation you have a perfect Father, a faithful partner, and a brother and Lord in Jesus whose love never fails.

The discovery of these truths sometimes requires burying old beliefs and filters. Our parents were not perfect- no one is. Other significant people in our lives sin against us or make serious mistakes that cause us harm. We are not to buy into false messages (even overly flattering ones) about our value because God Himself created each one of us. Changing beliefs from what is not true but has seemed true is a difficult task, especially if we are repeating the lies to ourselves. Sometimes we need help.

Back in Ohio with my sons and old and new friends for eight years, I do not think I will ever be seriously tempted by suicide again because I am living without an abuser for the first time in my life. Strategies for mental health are part of daily practice. My understanding of God’s love has done a 180. I am not always happy-go-lucky but I know my Redeemer lives and my hope is in His eternal unfailing promises and deeply dedicated love for me, his child.

-COMMENTS WELCOME

Today’s Helpful Word

Philippians 3:13-14

Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead,  I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us.

If you are feeling suicidal, or concerned about someone who is, in the U.S. call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988, or for a list of international suicide hotlines, go here.

If you are suicidal with a plan, immediately call 911 in the U.S. or go to your nearest emergency room. In the EU call 112. (For other international emergency numbers, go here ). Hope and help are yours!

Always the Fight Ministries (ATFM) has been displaying compassion for those fighting mental illness, addiction, or abuse since 2012. Nancy is the founder and voice of ATFM and openly shares her emotional resurrection from despair. NOTE: Nancy is not a doctor or a mental health professional, and speaks only from personal experience and observations. In no way is this website intended to substitute for professional mental or behavioral health care.

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