By Nancy Virden (c)2023

If you are feeling suicidal, or concerned about someone who is, in the U.S. call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988, or for a list of international suicide hotlines, go here. If you are suicidal with a plan, immediately call 911 in the U.S. or go to your nearest emergency room. In the EU call 112. (For other international emergency numbers, go here ). Hope and help are yours!

Nancy’s suicide story 2005 / Nancy’s suicide story 2011

It was the summer of 1987 and my husband and I were moving to Cleveland from farm country further south. He had been a pastor and was asked to leave for reasons I still do not understand. The churches he led were small. One was eager to keep him and the other not so much. Since they were a package deal, we had to leave both.

I was happy there. Teaching the Bible and encouraging others are my favorite activities and I thought I’d found my niche as the pastor’s co-pilot. Being merely in my upper twenties didn’t hurt either. I had the energy to work with teenagers and to join two youth groups from different cities into one.

None of that mattered when decisions were made for me. We were out, and I felt an overwhelming loss.

In Cleveland, I moved into my brother’s apartment to search for a home a few weeks ahead of my husband. I had lost myself- if, as one therapist put it, I had ever had a sense of self or identity. Who was I if I was not a pastor’s wife?

We re-entered the ministry as my husband took the position of worship leader in Cleveland. My role changed, and concerning the depression that had set in, it was too little too late to curb the downward slide. In a new place with strangers and the adjustment to city life, I spiraled fast.

My husband’s way of handling stress was to not speak to me- or hardly at all-and the silent treatment abuse picked up again. I was losing my eyesight and doctors were saying uninformed things like, “It’s stress”. Finally, I found I was pregnant with my first child and was not feeling capable at all of being a good parent.

These stressors combined within months to form a perfect storm. This was not the first time mental ill-health had interfered with living. This was the first time active suicidal thoughts became powerful. Major depression recurrent, or bipolar disorder as the professionals now say, left untreated, eventually raises the stakes.

The reactions of people who were in roles of caring were as follows:

• My husband’s boss (our pastor) and his wife: Not a word. Not one. Kindness, care, concern- none of it. Nada.

• My husband: the silent treatment.

• Other family and friends: I didn’t tell anyone else. Big mistake.

I finally sought the help of a therapist who walked me out of the storm. I had driven to a farmer’s field with the intention of death when I asked God to stop it if he wanted. Suddenly strength to stay alive took over for the moment. I gave the therapist the weapon I had purchased and began the long journey back to physical and mental health.

The vision problem was a brain aneurysm requiring surgery ten weeks after my baby was born. my newborn son (1988) gave me a reason to care. I loved him with more love than I’d ever known was possible.

God was with me the whole time. No matter how we feel, He does not reject us. when we struggle with powerful emotions and difficult circumstances, He is there. Our physical bodies, healthy or unhealthy, do not decide how near He is. Our mental breakdowns do not divide Him from us. Even when people who claim to know Him fail to love in meaningful ways, God is our perfect Father whose love never fails.

My heavenly Father knows how fragile my heart can be and treats me tenderly and honestly. He wants to do the same for you through Christ Jesus.

-COMMENTS WELCOME

Today’s Helpful Word

Psalm 27:13-14

 I remain confident of this:
    I will see the goodness of the Lord
    in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord;
    be strong and take heart
    and wait for the Lord.

If you are feeling suicidal, or concerned about someone who is, in the U.S. call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988, or for a list of international suicide hotlines, go here.

If you are suicidal with a plan, immediately call 911 in the U.S. or go to your nearest emergency room. In the EU call 112. (For other international emergency numbers, go here ). Hope and help are yours!

Always the Fight Ministries (ATFM) has been displaying compassion for those fighting mental illness, addiction, or abuse since 2012. Nancy is the founder and voice of ATFM and openly shares her emotional resurrection from despair. NOTE: Nancy is not a doctor or a mental health professional, and speaks only from personal experience and observations. In no way is this website intended to substitute for professional mental or behavioral health care.

_{HOLY BIBLE, NEW LIVING TRANSLATION, COPYRIGHT © 1996, 2004, 2015 BY TYNDALE HOUSE FOUNDATION. USED BY PERMISSION OF TYNDALE HOUSE PUBLISHERS, INC., CAROL STREAM, ILLINOIS 60188, PER BIBLE GATEWAY. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. RETRIEVED FROM HTTPS://WWW.BIBLEGATEWAY.COM/}