By Nancy Virden (c)2014/2022

Emotional pain is misery.  In fact, I stumble over describing the worst level of emotional pain – despair –  because it seems no words fit. How can I, or anyone, define days of absolute hopelessness leading to a moment so empty of light that the survival instinct is overcome? If you have not been there, you cannot know.

If you understand suicidal despair, you are precious to me. This is the pain we share. It is true that I am not there anymore, but all it takes to bring back crystal clear remembrance of those feelings is a thought or two. The difference between now and then is my tears lead to gratitude and awe at the wonder of recovery and healing. I am speechless; there are no mere words.

You can move on too

You question how I could understand your struggle. My experiences are not yours, but this is what I do know:

• I have been there.
• There was zero light, zero hope, zero reasons to believe anything would change.
• I believed totally that all persons who had ever cared about me no longer did.
• No doubts contradicted my certainty that anyone who might care about me in the future would eventually leave.
• Aware of what gifts I have to offer the world, nothing of good coming from my life seemed worth all the pain.
• There had been too many losses, and many more were to come.
• I blamed others for not loving me, but inwardly feared I was unlovable – therefore love would remain elusive.
• I believed I had been screaming for help and no one heard me; therein was the proof no one cared.
• I felt there was no other choice than suicide.

Here is something else I know: I was wrong.

A therapist once said to me, “I know what this feels like and want you to have it!” Time and effort spent learning to believe in possibilities, strengthened my mind. Following directions toward change gave courage to willingness. As a promise of hope began to appear through the shadows, my desire, and energy to grasp it blossomed. Finally peering beyond the emotional haze amazes me. I stare in wonder at the incredible yet real.

Past hurts no longer weigh me down because they were not brought along for the ride. I can move more easily and be lighter. Some losses I feared have sadly happened; there are people I wish would stay who have left. The reality is, life has pain in it. Emotional resiliency comes from practicing the lessons I learned following suicide attempts eleven years ago, and from Christ Jesus who lifts me up.

Maybe you do not believe it could happen for you. Perhaps you see your future as uniquely hopeless and meaningless. I cannot change your mind. All I can do is shout as loudly as possible, “There is more!!!! Wait for the joy! I know what this feels like and want you to have it!” -COMMENTS WELCOME

Today’s Helpful Word

Proverbs 3:21-24

…Do not let wisdom and understanding out of your sight, preserve sound judgment and discretion;
they will be life for you, an ornament to grace your neck. Then you will go on your way in safety,
    and your foot will not stumble. When you lie down, you will not be afraid; when you lie down, your sleep will be sweet.

If you are feeling suicidal, or concerned about someone who is, in the U.S. call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-TALK (8255), or for a list of international suicide hotlines, go here.

If you are suicidal with a plan, immediately call 911 in the U.S. or go to your nearest emergency room. In the EU call 112. (For other international emergency numbers, go here ). Hope and help are yours!

Always the Fight Ministries (ATFM) has been displaying compassion for those fighting mental illness, addiction, or abuse since 2012. Nancy is the founder and voice of ATFM and openly shares her emotional resurrection from despair. NOTE: Nancy is not a doctor or a mental health professional, and speaks only from personal experience and observations. In no way is this website intended to substitute for professional mental or behavioral health care.

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