By Nancy Virden (c)2018
The other day I was looking at IQ information online. There is some debate about what tests and measures of intelligence actually prove. They cannot provide insight into the character of a person or even how they perceive the world. For example, one report suggested that artists may not do as well as scientists on IQ tests because of their point of view.
A woman who loved her forty-something year-old son, would mention his need for a better job every time she visited. I believe she meant no harm. Her idea of helping was to try to control circumstances.
She asked me one day what she was doing wrong because her son was distancing himself. What I told her and have pondered since, is the basis for this post.
A world of difference between control and healthy concern
Are you concerned for a loved one who is struggling ? Take a moment to look at the following comparison. A higher ‘helping’ IQ will fall on the concern side.
CONTROL
Knows the answer
Desires results above all
Expresses frustration, anger, disappointment at slow or ‘incorrect’ results, places blame
Seeks ways to “fix” the situation or person, manipulative
Wants in on gossip or rumor, or spreads such
May feel overly anxious at the prospect of situation or person not changing
Feels guilty if they cannot fix the problem
Does not listen
Offers pat answers, quick-fix solutions, or false hope based on incomplete understanding of person/needs
CONCERN
Humble, ready to learn
Wants to extend love above all
Patient, respects other person’s right to choose
Offers aid when asked, or asks before helping. Straight forward
Respects the privacy of others
Feels concern, some worry and anxiety, yet also feels peace by letting go what they cannot control
Feels empathy, pain, or grief, but does not have to own what is not theirs
Actively listens, validates, is genuinely interested
Does not offer what one does not have, is honest and realistic, offers hope based on wisdom
If you see the difference between control and concern, and if how you have tried to help falls more on the control side, you have time to change. Talk to your loved one and let them know. Ask for their input and listen.
Today’s Helpful Word
Matthew 11: 28-30
Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.”
Always the Fight Ministries (ATFM) has been displaying compassion for those fighting mental illness, addiction, or abuse since 2012. Nancy is the founder and voice of ATFM and openly shares her emotional resurrection from despair.
*** COMMENTS ALWAYS WELCOME
NOTE: I am not a doctor or a mental health professional, and speak only from personal experiences and observations. In no way is this website intended to substitute for professional mental or behavioral health care.
If you are feeling suicidal, or concerned about someone who is, in the U.S. call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-TALK (8255), or for a list of international suicide hotlines, go here.
If you are suicidal with a plan, immediately call 911 in the U.S. or go to your nearest emergency room. In the EU call 112. (For other international emergency numbers, go here ). Hope and help are yours!
Always the Fight 