Compassionate Love: Displaying Compassion for Those Who Struggle with Mental Illness or Abuse  (c)2019 Nancy Virden, Always The Fight Ministries

Yesterday I had an impassioned conversation with a bull-headed young man. For hours last week and for hours yesterday, I listened patiently to him rant because he is suffering  a terrible, tragic, and unjust loss. He is fragile.

As his friend I care about him deeply.

Yesterday afternoon he raised his voice and started to misjudge my motives. It didn’t matter what I said or even if I remained quiet. He grew louder and more disrespectful and rude. 

Accusations were simply untrue. I called him out on his manner of speaking to me and he suggested I should be quiet and listen.  He insinuated repeatedly he knew what was in my heart better than I do.

Suddenly, I heard myself yelling back, challenging his point of view.  He laughed at me. Standing, shaking, and beginning to cry, I threw him out of my house.  

After he left, my son came from another room and said he had overheard my friend’s loud voice. He was  tuning it out until he heard something unfamiliar.  “What? Is that mom yelling?”

There are triggers to mild PTSD.  I have much respect for people who live with far more complicated Post Traumatic Stress Disorder challenges. Nonetheless, mild PTSD is real.   

A person once said to me, “I would be angry too in [such] a situation.”  My PTSD is not reasonable anger. It is unadulterated fear that directly results from childhood and marital traumas.  I may have good reason for anger, but it is reactionary fear driving the show. 

I’m left tonight with a headache and unresolved agitation.  Fear disguises as anger which is why I can truly say I forgive my young friend and love him, yet do not want him around for a few days.  I have to recover. I’m shaken. My mind has driven to past threats. I’m jumpy at noises and trying to hide in my office in my own home. 

From his texts, it seems he thinks I was merely offended. I’d like to tell him the truth. There is little security that he will listen right now, so there is no sense of safety in trying. 

His PTSD and mine have collided into an unreasonable, tangled mess. I hope he is able to understand that I love him like a son, and cannot see him right now. 

Today’s Helpful Word