Compassionate Love: Displaying compassion for those who struggle with mental illness (c) 2018 Nancy Virden, Always The Fight Ministries
A narcissist dad thought it was everyone else’s responsibility to reach out to him. If friends or family did not, it was their loss.
One child’s personality allowed him to take initiative and make compromises trying to find a relationship with his father. Another child was an introvert, and did not understand his father’s rules.
The first child received some attention. It was especially apparent in public because that is where narcissist’s shine. The other child was almost completely ignored except when his dad yelled at him for daring to cause an inconvenience.
This dad’s behavior was not faithfulness. This is not what love looks like.
Yet many of us have experienced fathers like this and much worse. The picture of love ingrained in our thoughts since childhood is drawn of betrayal, broken promises, and neglect. Our fathers left us empty, angry, and lost.
Kelly Clarkson sings a song to her dad who abandoned her when she was six. Her lyrics compare him to the father of her children. *
He never walks away
He never asks for money
He takes care of me
He loves me
Piece by piece, he restores my faith
That a man can be kind and the father could, stay
These words remind me that behind every negative message from a faithless dad, there exists a basic truth. We are each worthy of a better love. No one can decide differently. If they try, we do not have to believe them.
Exchange false for true
The trick to changing negative core beliefs is to replace them. We will not overcome habitual thought processes by trying to ‘get over it.’ Our power is in switching to a new narrative.
- Stop the abuse. If you are an adult and your dad is still toxic, find a way to draw boundaries and stand by them. Talk to him about the situation. Explain what words or behaviors are deal-breakers. You decide how often or if you meet, and how long you stay in the same room. He threw away his authority. You have the human right to emotional safety.
- Challenge your self-talk. Ask why you repeat self-defeating cycles. What can you do differently? Pay attention to what language goes through your mind. If you think (or start to say) “I’m a loser,” exchange the phrase for something positive whether you believe it yet or not. For example, “I’m a fighter” points out how you continue to try.
- Reach out to the Father of Fathers. God promises to never abandon us, no matter what our parents do. He is good, faithful, and full of love for those who trust him. He made it possible, no matter how messed-up we are, to come to him. The way God designed is through his Son Jesus. The New Testament (Bible) states plainly that by believing God sent his one and only Son to die and rise again, we can ask for and find forgiveness and peace.
Instead of “I am abandoned,” try, “God loves me.” Take in positive truth and watch your pain recede.
*Piece By Piece