By Nancy Virden (c)2025

Okay, let’s face it. I grew up in the Midwest, USA, in a small-to-midsize town (pop. 20,000), and in the country to boot. I attended a country school back in the days when prayer was still read over the speaker, and telling lies would get one in serious trouble. We rode our bikes everywhere. Stray dogs could be wild dogs, and I still get nervous around strays, even in the city.

Most people were direct but not harsh. We were not impolite, but civil. Telling the truth (not opinions or one’s truth of the day) is kind. Imagine if no one had told you to check both ways for traffic, or that sticking a fork in an outlet is a bad idea.

Honesty is not about pride or taking the role of everyone’s teacher. It is simply speaking without watering one’s message down to polite nothingness. Politicians water down their messages. Straight answers when one is trying to please everyone are dangerous. Empty words meant to spare listeners’ feelings are more to protect the speaker from confrontation or deeper conversations.

This diehard facet of my personality appreciates constructive criticism and guidance. One woman told me my sarcastic humor was hurting her children. Another asked me to stop talking so much in class. I consider all feedback to see if it is a lesson I need or not. Sometimes feedback is not truthful, such as when one judges my motives. Or feedback may not be complete. One woman said, “Why do you have to be so…?” I still do not know what bothered her, so how can I improve?

Curiosity about the social expectations of various communities leads me to partial conclusions. As suspected, it all depends on where one grew up. Wealth has seemed to be the main catalyst for polite avoidance. General society in the suburbs tends to skirt most truth out of fear of hurting anyone’s feelings. A response to one explanation I had given was, “Thanks for your vulnerability.” I was not being vulnerable, but was reporting honestly what was in my heart within the context of our topic. Is truth-bearing so rare that it’s considered a risk?

In various places of residence as an adult, social expectations differed. In rural areas, I heard and loved mostly direct talk (in Kansas, in a town of 400; in Ohio, in a town of 5000). In Cleveland, OH, a city of 350,000, people do not shy from stating what is up.

In the suburbs of larger cities, not as much. I was a fish out of water in a wealthy suburb of Philadelphia. People there probably would not tell you if you had green paint on your cheek; instead, they would assume you wanted it there and judge you for your poor taste. That is what I experienced, anyway. It looked junior highish to me when my husband and I were divorcing, and not one friend, except for accusers, tried to talk to me about it. I heard those same friends discussing it among themselves within earshot, though. No one seemed to recognize that their avoidance was unkind and not like Jesus’ love at all. In their defense, most of them were good people with fine intentions. What they knew to do fit in with their social status.

Attitude, tone of voice, and factual support make the difference between harshness and straightforward empathy. Empathy is not rude, yet tells it like it is. If you are struggling to move forward, do you want the person who comes along and says “too bad” or the one who will tell you your feet are in cement? One is polite, the other brings hope and a way out.

-COMMENTS WELCOME

Today’s Helpful Word

2 Corinthians 4:1-3

 Therefore, since God in his mercy has given us this new way, we never give up. We reject all shameful deeds and underhanded methods. We don’t try to trick anyone or distort the word of God. We tell the truth before God, and all who are honest know this.

If you are feeling suicidal or concerned about someone who is, in the U.S., call 988, the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. For a list of international suicide hotlines, go here.

If you are suicidal with a plan, immediately call 911 in the U.S. or go to your nearest emergency room; in the EU, call 112. (For other international emergency numbers, go here.) Hope and help are yours!

Always the Fight Ministries (ATFM) has been displaying compassion for those fighting mental illness, addiction, or abuse since 2012. Nancy is the founder and voice of ATFM and openly shares her emotional resurrection from despair. 

NOTE: Nancy is not a doctor or a mental health professional and speaks only from personal experience and observations. This website is not intended to substitute for professional mental or behavioral health care.

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