By Nancy Virden (c)2025

An alterations client wanted me to mend a piece of clothing. I stated the days and hours I could work on it, and the client agreed. For the next few days, a few phone calls and texts from this person were laced with manipulative suggestions for getting the job done sooner. Niceties such as, “I don’t mean to bother you, but…” and, attempts at guilting me such as, “I’m going to go home and it will be too cold to pick it up later. How about you get it done before (the stated time)” were repeated throughout the week. On the day I had said I could mend her item, she called three times, texted five times, and even showed up in my yard hours before I said I could even start.

What would you do?

Clearly, she has no boundaries and does not respect the boundaries of others. This is true of many people who have not learned to regulate or control their emotions. She seemed concerned that she was bothering me, although making oneself sound piteous can be a manipulative tool.

When this client accused me of being troubled by the project and used that accusation to explain why I was not meeting her expectations, I recognized her blindness. She could not see or understand the obvious: I owed her no favors; our relationship was purely professional; and I was unmoved by her games. Sticking to my boundaries shocked and panicked her. She had the arranged times in texts and heard them several times verbally. There was no excuse for her behavior.

I had choices. My indignity told me earlier in the week to return her item and tell her to get it fixed elsewhere. Mid-week, my evening plans were unexpectedly changed and I offered to do the mending that night. She rejected the idea. My annoyance told me that the next time she called or texted I should give her the item as it was, fixed or not.

The world does things one way and many use emotions as an excuse for being rude, selfish, and even evil. Those of us who are disciples of Jesus must do things differently because of him. I wanted to honor him and show love to her. The following steps are how I responded, stuck to my boundaries without getting internally upset, and produced a well-sewn repair.

1. Ask God for help. The Creator of your mind knows how to calm you and give you peace. Psalm 33 says, “The Lord looks down from heaven and sees the whole human race. From his throne he observes all who live on the earth. He made their hearts, so he understands everything they do.” Often we are in too big a hurry to pause until we are calm before taking action. That’s how trouble and chaos start.
2. Know your goal. I asked myself and God to specifically separate my goals from my emotions. My goal had not changed since earlier in the week. I wanted to bless someone who was in need. I wanted to produce a good repair that would not rip open and that she would be proud to wear. Period.
3. Ignore what you can. I stopped answering her calls or texts because she was unfairly demanding and her words were unhelpful. My “hours” did not include multiple conversations. These were simple boundaries. After the work was done and she liked the result, I blocked her number and will not work for her again. This is not unforgiveness but a refusal to fall into the same trap twice.
4. State the truth. If necessary, make it blunt. After her latest pleas and accusations begging for an estimate on when the project would be finished, I gave her the hours again and told her she was bothering me.
5. Always love people. Love is an action, not necessarily warm fuzzies. I still cared about her need and took four hours to carefully mend her item. When my fingers grew tired I asked God for strength and redid a part I did not think came out so well. I didn’t want to hurt her. Boundaries do not hurt people although unhealed persons may be confused by them. “Love does no harm to a neighbor,” Paul said. I was happy to give her a well-repaired item and was proud of myself for the work. I gratefully praise God for helping me control my emotions and not descend into people-pleasing or bitterness. Jesus is responsible for this change in my heart. It was not always so.

-COMMENTS WELCOME

Today’s Helpful Word

Colossians 3:12-15

Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others.  Above all, clothe yourselves with love, which binds us all together in perfect harmony. And let the peace that comes from Christ rule in your hearts.

If you are feeling suicidal, or concerned about someone who is, in the U.S. call 988, the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. For a list of international suicide hotlines, go here.

If you are suicidal with a plan, immediately call 911 in the U.S. or go to your nearest emergency room. In the EU call 112. (For other international emergency numbers, go here ). Hope and help are yours!

Always the Fight Ministries (ATFM) has been displaying compassion for those fighting mental illness, addiction, or abuse since 2012. Nancy is the founder and voice of ATFM and openly shares her emotional resurrection from despair. 

NOTE: Nancy is not a doctor or a mental health professional, and speaks only from personal experience and observations. This website is not intended to substitute for professional mental or behavioral health care.

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