By Nancy Virden (c)2013

Realistic boundaries protect us if we draw them around ourselves. Ah, but we fear rejection, trouble, and guilt.  This may be understood as a “fear of man”, or people-pleasing.

Some guidelines for saying no

1) No is not a selfish word.  Outside of apathy, no is not automatically selfish. Maybe no is self-care. “I care about you but will be no good to you or anyone else if I do not limit my involvement. Maybe another time.” Jesus went off by himself to stay connected to God.

2) Be confident in your reasons for saying no. Knowing you are protecting your most important values will help with saying no.  “I’m sorry you are hurting. I am here for you in the best way I am able.” Jesus never took His eyes off His ultimate mission.

3) Smile. Use a friendly and sincere tone. Speak gently, with a lower volume. More power lies in consistency than in anger.

4) Allow the other person to realize your no is not a dismissal.  “I am available between 7:00 and 7:30 tonight if you want to call me then.”  God is never unavailable. He instituted times of rest because we need it.

(5) Have realistic limits.  If someone asks for a ride,  you might answer,   “Unfortunately, I cannot come to pick you up. Is there someone else you can ask?  No?  I’m sorry it didn’t work out for you to go this time.”

(6) “No” is best if it is firm.  Remember the adage? If you fool me once, shame on you. If you fool me twice, shame on me. (By the way, if you fool me 350,000 times, you’re a weather forecaster! But I digress.) We train people how to treat us, so caving in when you want to mean no will invite more pleading. Offering a helping hand is not the same as carrying a person’s entire burden.  A therapist said to me, “I may carry 90% for a while, but I do not want that to define the relationship.”  In other words, Nancy, do the work!   

(7) Use reassurance.  All that mattered in the worst of my struggles with major depression was the desperate need for someone to reach out to me.  However, when good and kind people let me know they cared, I felt it was never enough! That is because depression opened a chasm of emptiness that it took years to fill.

Meanwhile, reassuring comments were like water and air to me.  Helpful examples include: “I’m glad you reached out to me.  I will do everything I can to visit you after the holidays.“;  “I have to focus on my family, but you are not forgotten. We’ll be praying for you”; “This will not be an easy fix and will take time. I’ll call you next week.”

No, saying no is not selfish; yes may not always be generous. No is not necessarily mean; yes is not automatically kind.  God’s good judgment is the wisdom we need to know the difference.

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-COMMENTS WELCOME

Today’s Helpful Word

Galatians 1:10

Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.

If you are feeling suicidal, or concerned about someone who is, in the U.S. call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988, or for a list of international suicide hotlines, go here.

If you are suicidal with a plan, immediately call 911 in the U.S. or go to your nearest emergency room. In the EU call 112. (For other international emergency numbers, go here ). Hope and help are yours!

Always the Fight Ministries (ATFM) has been displaying compassion for those fighting mental illness, addiction, or abuse since 2012. Nancy is the founder and voice of ATFM and openly shares her emotional resurrection from despair. NOTE: Nancy is not a doctor or a mental health professional, and speaks only from personal experience and observations. In no way is this website intended to substitute for professional mental or behavioral health care.

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