By Nancy Virden (c)2023

If you read these blogs regularly, you know that over the winter I had a bit of an identity crisis. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder in December. It took a few weeks to get past the initial anger at not having had this explained to me years ago, considering all the professional mental healthcare workers I have seen. I learned that the average bipolar diagnosis takes 10 years because it mimics so many other disorders and is difficult to pinpoint.

It’s pinpointed now, and for over six months I have been trying to learn what it is and how it touches me. I’m grateful to have a milder case, however, I remember some very distinct mood shifts over my threescore and plus years.

Interestingly, some notes my mother took on comments from my elementary school teachers now make sense. One teacher said, “It’s like Nancy has two personalities.” No one knew what to do with that information back then.

I’ve believed everyone feels like this- angry and sad and joyous and exuberant, excited and hopeful and self-doubting and hopeless all in one week. My moods are familiar to me and no one questioned them except when I grew severely depressed.

One new revelation is funny. The question of whether I am extroverted or introverted has always stumped me. I’m both! Now I know why.

As I matured into adulthood, childish explosions ended and I became more reserved. There was an incident around 2004, when I yelled at my husband in a public place. (Yelling is not my style even at home). There was genuine cause for my anger but I wonder if I lost control because of a fluctuation in mood. I’ll never know.

Learning about a diagnosis is not all about parsing the past. It is about clarity now. This has been helpful because it makes self-forgiveness easier. While I believed everyone felt like me, it was clear that not everyone acted like I did at times. The result was self-righteousness (denying my flaws) and self-loathing (being all too aware of those obvious flaws). Now I know to recognize and embrace who I am (a woman on good meds!). I am funny, kind, truthful, and I do not go around yelling at people.

Moods will come and go.*shrug*. The lower moods do not seem to be so powerful now because I know they come from a moody brain that will as easily be happy as sad. One thing is certain and never changes- God’s amazing love.

If you have ever considered yourself different or difficult or moody or extreme in any way, go ahead and get a psychiatric evaluation. It is not hard, and what you learn may set you free.

-COMMENTS WELCOME

Today’s Helpful Word

Psalm 139:13-14 (brackets mine)

For you [God] created my inmost being;
    you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
    your works are wonderful,
    I know that full well.

Isaiah 46:4

Even to your old age and gray hairs I am he, I am he who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you.-God

If you are feeling suicidal, or concerned about someone who is, in the U.S. call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988, or for a list of international suicide hotlines, go here.

If you are suicidal with a plan, immediately call 911 in the U.S. or go to your nearest emergency room. In the EU call 112. (For other international emergency numbers, go here ). Hope and help are yours!

Always the Fight Ministries (ATFM) has been displaying compassion for those fighting mental illness, addiction, or abuse since 2012. Nancy is the founder and voice of ATFM and openly shares her emotional resurrection from despair. NOTE: Nancy is not a doctor or a mental health professional, and speaks only from personal experience and observations. In no way is this website intended to substitute for professional mental or behavioral health care.

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