By Nancy Virden (c)2023

If you are feeling suicidal, or concerned about someone who is, in the U.S. call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988, or for a list of international suicide hotlines, go here. If you are suicidal with a plan, immediately call 911 in the U.S. or go to your nearest emergency room. In the EU call 112. (For other international emergency numbers, go here ). Hope and help are yours!

Nancy’s suicide story 1988 / Nancy’s suicide story 2011

Seventeen years had passed since the major depression that landed me in a farmer’s field with a loaded gun. During this time I had raised two boys who were now 17 and 14 years old. Mild to moderate depression had come and gone a few times, usually adding up to heavy doses of low energy and self-doubt.

Cycles repeat and we tend to marry into the relationship dynamics with which we are familiar. My father had been abusive to my mother and was regularly dripping his disappointment or disinterest in me. It makes sense then, in a sad way, that after the death of our mother, my lone sibling, a brother, decided to cut me out of his life. My husband’s silent treatment simply carried on the tradition. This wore me down until after 23 years of marriage I was unprepared to cope with his statement that he did not love me and had not for ten years.

Any identity I had was so wrapped up in trying to please him that when that failed I felt I was nobody. Loneliness and disappointment ruled nearly every day. Each afternoon was filled with dread for his homecoming from work.

This is typical of abusive relationships. If you have been on the receiving end of the silent treatment you know it is horrible. Years of it can change your brain. (This tactic is used to break prisoners of war!) I was a homeschooler too, so outside interactions were limited. Trying to spare his reputation and my humiliation led to holding onto the big secret. I did not tell anyone what it was actually like for me in our home until I imploded for the second time.

Silent Treatment is psychological aggression. It is equivalent to murder (not physical but emotional). It is the denial of the existence of the other person. It is a cruel punishment inflicted on the other person. It is emotional abuse. It is manipulative. It is control over the other.

-Author unknown

In January 2005, my world was dark. Old negative memories of forgotten wrongs or perceived wrongs flooded my thoughts. My intellect and reasoning were twisted by depression which said my kids were grown up and didn’t need me anymore. Once again, I addressed God saying, “If you want me to live you have to stop this.” Immediately my mind was flooded with thoughts of my younger son and how he still needed me. (Of course, my older teen needed me too, however, in my messed up mindset it was the vulnerability of the younger that could catch my attention.) I set down the weapon of choice and went online where I chatted with some kind people all night.

This led to two hospitalizations in behavioral health locked wards where I was finally introduced to anti-depressants. The people in my church were amazing. Meals were brought for my family, they welcomed me when I made it back to church even though I was largely unresponsive, and they followed through with cards and calls for months. At the time I did not realize how rare and special this love was.

Eventually, my husband read a book on marriage and chose to change. Dead hope resurrected in my heart. For nearly two years we had the kind of marriage that pleased us both. Nonetheless, he returned to his old ways and I returned to mine – that is, my belief that my value depended on his behavior toward me. The pain of that loss was worse than anything before it. Emotional pain prevented me from sleeping. I stopped going to church merely because of exhaustion. One medical diagnosis after another revealed how badly my body was handling the stress.

This is when the Matthew movie (a word-for-word recitation of the book starring Bruce Marchiano and Richard Kiley) filled me with such peace and joy I could not express. Far above earth’s realities, I felt as if I were watching Jesus in real time and He was walking beside me. God’s Word says we matter to Him. Jesus said to Christian believers, “I am with you always.” Sometimes he shows up in words, movies, books, nature, music, and especially through the Bible. He understands our state of mind and will reach us however we need him most.

-COMMENTS WELCOME

Today’s Helpful Word

Ephesians 1:4-8

 God decided in advance to adopt us into his own family by bringing us to himself through Jesus Christ. This is what he wanted to do, and it gave him great pleasure. So we praise God for the glorious grace he has poured out on us who belong to his dear Son. He is so rich in kindness and grace that he purchased our freedom with the blood of his Son and forgave our sins. He has showered his kindness on us, along with all wisdom and understanding.

If you are feeling suicidal, or concerned about someone who is, in the U.S. call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988, or for a list of international suicide hotlines, go here.

If you are suicidal with a plan, immediately call 911 in the U.S. or go to your nearest emergency room. In the EU call 112. (For other international emergency numbers, go here ). Hope and help are yours!

Always the Fight Ministries (ATFM) has been displaying compassion for those fighting mental illness, addiction, or abuse since 2012. Nancy is the founder and voice of ATFM and openly shares her emotional resurrection from despair. NOTE: Nancy is not a doctor or a mental health professional, and speaks only from personal experience and observations. In no way is this website intended to substitute for professional mental or behavioral health care.

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