CompassionateLove Blog: Displaying compassion for those who struggle with mental illness, addiction, and abuse (c)2015 Nancy Virden
Depression, whether triggered by circumstances we can see or not, is a place of pain. We may experience it to some level or another, but when a person won’t get out of bed you can bet she or he is hurting badly.
I know it is hard to take care of someone who is sick. It challenges our agendas and causes us to sacrifice more time and energy. Depression is especially painful to watch when we love the one suffering. Often we feel helpless, though this is not exactly true!
Each person with depression experiences it differently. Commonalities, such as a few predictable symptoms, do not mean one-solution-fits-all. If circumstances could be exactly replicated, individuals will still have unique reactions. It is tempting to think others “ought” to respond or feel as we do.
Consider this: Is it reasonable to assume millions of people each year would choose to have their lives interrupted in such a way? It makes more sense that your loved one prefers laughter, meaningful relationships, and accomplishment, does it not? If a person you care about seems unwilling to move, out of sheer stubbornness, laziness, or self-pity, remember no one wants to be depressed.
Your loved-one needs love and affection, non-critical acceptance, and patience. Emotions are raw. Pain may be so intense that his or her body cannot keep up. Major depression can reroute best intentions into days staring at the walls. Every joint seems to move in slow motion.
Despair and a sense of helplessness continued to hold my focus for over a year following a suicide attempt. Baby steps of self-care slowly led to more, then more. Eventually, I was able to decide to learn what enjoying life means.
“Well, of course!” you might say. “So why doesn’t my loved one with depression do that too?”
Your loved one may not know how. Losses and disappointments might interfere with her thinking processes. Issues, both known and unknown, may tie him hostage for a time. Stress, betrayal, shock, trauma, and abuse are only a few potential backgrounds leading to depression. Sometimes, we do not have an answer to ‘why?’
It helps to know what to expect from professional help. Psychiatrists are medical doctors (MD, DO). Just as a sports injury doctor will prescribe coping medications and refer you to a physical therapist, psychiatrists prescribe medication, rarely offering talk therapy.
Psychologists hold doctorates in the study of human behavior and are often talk therapists (PhD, PsyD). They do not prescribe medication. Look for licensed therapists who may be social workers, school and church counselors, and many more. Professional therapists may also specialize, such as trauma counselors and family therapists.
Your loved one’s mental health is a complex mix of body, mind, and spiritual factors. Yet many are quick to tell a person with severe depression to snap out of it. Blaming, accusing, scolding, or shaming will not make it go away any faster.
What is it you can say or do to show support?
Avoid mind-reading and assuming you know what is happening. Ask, “Are you safe? Are you thinking about killing yourself?” In the U.S., you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK for advice. In a crisis, call 911 or take your loved one to the nearest emergency room. Do not leave a suicidal person alone. Remove all lethal items from the home.
Show your depressed loved one you care. In the depths of an episode, he or she may not believe “I love you.” Say it anyway. Promising, “I’m here for you,” may seem more substantial, however you must keep your word in practical ways. Broken promises reinforce a sense of rejection and worthlessness.
Help to combat their sense of aloneness. “I’m going to work, but I’ll check on you when I get home” offers a positive look toward the future and a reminder that your concern is not temporary. “Would you like your friend to come over? I’ll call her” is a valuable service because major depression makes even tiny decisions challenging.
Set-up or offer to go with your loved one to the first appointment with a mental health professional. Do not assume this will be a quick-fix solution, and instead accept that you both may be in for a long haul. Just as there are less helpful, and better equipped professionals in any walk of life, mental health professionals do not always connect with every client. If your loved one is not satisfied, help find someone else.
Avoid some common reactionary mistakes. These include: “You are neglecting your family”; “Quit being so morose”; “Just go to work already”; “You’re lazy, feeling sorry for yourself.” Comments like these are most likely attempts to change an uncomfortable situation. They are not helpful.
Place emphasis on the value of the person instead of on disappointments. Say, “I am glad you are alive” and “Stay with me, we’ll get through this together.” You may be met with a blank stare, nonetheless, this type of encouragement matters. It is like water on desert soil.
Above all else, be there. Sit by that bed and do not say anything. Read a book, do your homework, banking, or research on your laptop. Get on Facebook or Twitter and enjoy your friends while your majorly depressed loved one lays next to you. It is ok to laugh, cry, or share a story from your day. Keep your expectations for responses and positive responses low, and just be there.
Today’s Helpful Word
1 Corinthians 13:4,5
“Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful…” -Saint Paul
To learn how a relationship with Jesus creates eternal hope, click here
For more on what to say or do for a depressed loved one, click on this link.
***** COMMENTS ALWAYS WELCOME
NOTE: I am not a doctor or a mental health professional. I speak only from personal experiences with and observations of mental illness, abuse, and addiction. In no way is this website intended to substitute for professional mental or behavioral health care.
If you are struggling emotionally today or feeling suicidal, or concerned about someone who is, in the U.S. call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-TALK (8255), or for a list of international suicide hotlines, go here.
If you are suicidal with a plan, immediately call 911 in the U.S. (for international emergency numbers, go here ), or go to your nearest emergency room. Do not be alone. Hope and help are yours.
*picture from qualitystockphotos.com